Into The Blue

---

Behold my friend

Behold my friend
yonder stands the devil.

His hoofs and horns skillfully cloaked,


near perfect his disguise


He hides inside a three-piece-suite


with shades to mask his eyes.


He hides among the many


the many that are one,


uniform in shirt and tie,


nothing new below the sun:


The urge to live
the need to thrive


profit rules it all


Common sense don't mean too much


when you fear the fall

---

So much has happened that hasn't found it's way into this Diary, but it's
not easy to paint the countryside when you're aboard an unstoppable raft heading
straight for the next waterfall.

So let me try to recount:
I lost my apartment April 1.st .
 On May 16^th my father dies
five minutes after I visit him. ( There's a strange story to go along with
that but we'll get to that later.) Then my Mother cheats me and my brother
out of our inheritance by pulling a will out of her sleeve, that my Father
issued before we were even born,( The will dates May 1968 ! ) Now my car broke
down and it looks final this time. I'm flat broke looking at bills for - among
other things - dental work and emergency Treatment for a large cut on my head,
I got loading the PA last Sunday. My medical Insurance keeps calling because
I'm two months behind on payments, my Canadian citizenship might well expire
if I don't act quick and Silke's on a Jealous rampage . From what I hear she
broke into my van and searched it. I was missing a few things. Mainly goodluck
charms and other small things when I got back from the Live Fantasy Game we
played. I guess she trying to hurt me. You know a very wise man once said
:" There's two things a man will never be able to beat a woman at:

The art of seduction and the art of revenge

I was out at a party on May 15^th, when Edde, the girl I had been
talking to most of the night asked me how my father was doing. I told her
he was in a stabile Coma, but there was not much hope of him recovering. She
asked me when I would see him again and I told her that I had to work the
entire weekend somewhere in Hamburg and wouldn't be able to see him until
Monday. She wouldn't let loose before I promised to go. So early Saturday
morning I go to the hospital. I stand by his bed staring at the tubes, wires
and probes that run his body. I feel sorry for him, he never got what he deserved.
There's no such thing as a happy end, I thought. I left the hospital and went
straight to the gig. When I got back late Sunday night I felt it was over,
I was ready for that. But when I was told that my old man had died not five
minutes after I'd been to see him, I was slightly stunned.

---

It's Wednesday morning, July 1.st , I think. I'm chopping away at my Lips
like they where a piece of gum. I haven't slept yet. It was one of those endless
video-nights that thrive off of a lotta speed and a lot of Hash plus at least
six to seven Movies, you've seen a million times over. I had a short phase
of Drug-induced apathy during which I recorded a few poems. One of them in
German. (That's new). Here they are:

Südlich von Mitternacht

Was geschieht eigentlich südlich von Mitternacht

am Äquator der Gefühle ?


Im grellen Licht der dunklen Nacht


erschallt das Kampfgewühle.


Der fahle Duft von Engelsmilch


durchdringt auch meine Sinne,


Das Karussell der Gegenwart


spielt das Lied das Ich nie singe.


Ein Federvieh, frei wie der Wind,


lächelnd leiht mir seine Schwingen.


Der Kuß der Nacht trägt mich empor,


auf Gipfel sonst nicht zu erklimmen.


Ich seh die Zeit, fühl den Raum,


spür' den Orgasmus einer Sonne,

im Nirgendwo, jenseits von Traum,


der Ewigkeit entronnen.

I Think I'll try to translate that one into English.

Whatever happens south of midnight,


at the equator of emotion?


Through the blinding gleam of darkest night


Sounds of Battle have awoken.


The pale sweet scent of Angel's milk


Saturates my being,


The Carousel of present time


plays the song I never sing.


A feathered beast, free as the wind


smiling as it lends me Wings,


The kiss of the night lifts me up


To peaks no man has seen.


I see the time, feel the space,


taste orgasms of a sun


In the nowhere beyond the Dream,


eternity's outrun.

Well, that turned out rather well, don't you think?

---

I'm jinxed. That's the only explanation I can find. I'm going up shit creek,
no paddles, the outboard stalls, my boat starts leaking and there's a storm
on the horizon. Then things start to go bad. Now tell me, how the fuck do
I keep my sanity ? Who's gonna help me through all of this? My family? What
family? My brothers got enough worries of his own. My moms too busy ripping
us off and trying to get rid of us. And the rest of the clan is on her side
more or less. The only person I could ever depend on for help was my father.
And he's dead. I wonder if his soul or whatever you might call it is still
out there somewhere, watching all of this. If he is, it must be making him
sick. All you've worked for all of your life, all of your dreams, that two-faced
bitch destroys them all, one at a time.

So much has happened, I wouldn't know where to start. The shit is really hitting
the fan, hard! Even if I could tell you everything that happened, you wouldn't
believe it. Shit, I can't believe it myself. What it all add up to is, that
my mom is on the warpath and she ain't taking any prisoners ! Currently our
lawyers have just begun to get into it. The bitch is really out for blood.
She got everyone believing, that we're out to kill her. Ain't that a laugh,
bro? She feels so threatened that she tried a court order to get rid of us.
Her request was partially granted, we can't enter the living room, dining
room or her bedroom. Yesterday she got really furious, when I took the computer
my dad gave me before he died. She tried to stop me by locking the front door.
So I went in through the window. I just had my arm and my head in, when she
tried to slam it closed.( Ouch ) I pushed the window open and her back. That's
when she grabbed a fistful of my hair. I leaped in, grabbed her by her shirt
and said : "Don't you ever lay hands on me again, bitch!" As I was
walking out she yelled ( from a safe distance ) :" You'll never set foot in
this house again."

Well, I stashed my computer, went downtown for a couple of triple JD's. I
needed that. I came damn near to loosing control. The bitch sure knows how
to provoke people. But that's all she's waiting for. I lay one hand on her
and I'm history, bro. And I sure as hell ain't gonna make it that easy for
her. It's far beyond comprehension and rational thought, if you look at what's
going on. Just this once let the good guys win, please.
At the moment I'm sitting in a locker-room waiting for the 11 a.m. crew call.
I've checked in as a climber with the Michael Jackson production. That means
come eleven, I turn monkey and start building the stage and scaffolding for
Jacko. Dangerous work, but fairly well paid. And there's nothing like local
crew-parties for a week.
It's almost October. Timo's back in Germany for a couple of months until
he gets his green card. We need to do some song writing again. We where always
a damn good team when it came to music, and we both learned a lot in the last
two years. I can't wait to see what we come up with.

In the war with my mom things are going OK. Currently my lawyer is confident
that I will get aprox. 10-15 grand (in DM ) upon moving out. So I need a place
, fast. "Greedy?" No, I just want to get this over with quickly
and start to put my life back together. But somehow I caught myself being
reluctant to get a place alone or to move in with somebody I don't know. I
don't know what that means, yet, but... yeah, but what ? But I will have to
overcome that subcontious fear somehow or else I will never cut totally lose.
I'm still not sure I want to move to the states with Timo. But if I get the
money I want to go there and check it out for sure. My future is still so
unclear, kind of hazy. It's like I'm reluctant to set a course when I can't
see where I am or where I'm going. But I'll have to make up my Mind soon.
I can't continue living like tumbleweed. ( sounds like a hook line ) For example
should I invest and buy a mixing desk an PA or should I go more for studio
equipment ? So many questions and nobody to protect my back. Shit, look at
me ! Is this self-pity, or am I just looking for an easy way out ? Just drift
away and if I fail, just blame it on the circumstances? That's the easy way.
Now that we've defined it, maybe we'll be able to find the right way. Or at
least stop me from taking wrong turns so I can at least get a move on.
I just heard a good line on TV:

I've got
a tough months ahead of me and still no apartment. It'd be great if I could
move in with someone.

Day two of the Jail-tour. Our night liner is cool.
It looks like a prison transport. Actually it's pretty old, a plain silver paint-job and one-way windows to round off the picture. Yesterday we were at the Rough in Wiesbaden, a small cellar-club with a very narrow, circular staircase being the only access. That means we had to carry everything down three flights on stairs. I fought with the bad sound conditions for a while, but the sound at the show was OK. I wasn't quite satisfied but the guys from the club said it sounded better than most of the bands that play here. After the show these three chicks came into the dressing room.







Backstage bitch

wanna feel a rock star

way down, up inside

bring some smoke

and make friends quick

trying to cop a ride



We got stoned and before I knew it one of them, an American chick named Shirly
was sitting on my lap and casually stroking the inside of my leg. When time
came to leave I tried to get some dope from them. But before she got around
to giving it to me our manager called us onto the bus and closed the doors.
I almost couldn't shake the chick. She clung to me like shit to a shoe.
Presently we're sitting on the bus watching videos of chicks trying out for
pornos.
I think it's Saturday and I'm sitting in front with Andy, the driver, and
getting high. I hooked up my discman to the bus' stereo and we're listening
to the Shyboy album. We went swimming this morning.- shit, I can't write when
the bus is shaking like this. Later dude.
I'm lying in my bunk now It's much easier to write, except for the fact that
I can't see shit, cause it's too dark. I asked Andy to turn the lights on.
That did the trick. Well, the show yesterday was a bit jinxed. It started
out by the band going on earlier than I was told, so I was still in the bus
watching Biggi, ( Foxy Ladies # 5,6 or 7) when Marc came on to tell me the
Guys were waiting for me. Fuck. I was in such a hurry to get to the stage,
I forgot to bring Olli's Camcorder. During the show Alex's guitar ( or at
least one of his six or seven) kept going out of tune. So I slipped him another
one while he was playing, waited for a break, moved the plug over and unlocked
the strap on the other one. Then Alex changed hands over and I pulled the
outtatune guitar out from under the other one. Olli lost half the screws from
under his snare and I had to put them back in and tune the bitch while he
played, and he never even noticed. HAHA. Mario's bass went out of tune. Now
that's a first. He took it to bed that night, cos he figured it must have
been to cold in the loading bay. That screwed up Stevan and me last night
too, coz we were missing a guitar case after load out. We found it after double-checking
everything. It was still under Mario's bed. Well, that's all for now.
Last nights show went well. We were treated like fucking Rockstars. After
the show we partied and everyone went crazy. It was amazing how those kids
looked up to us. The way we acted, the things we did, the jokes we pulled
- those kids caught on immediately and accepted our ways as the standard to
match up to- and we laughed like crazy. One chick was named BIGGI ! (need
I say more ?) Maybe I should. Biggi had become a legend on the bus. She was
one of the Foxy-Lady girls (A series of Video tapes Marc our Manager had brought)
achieving her fame by shoving a candle up her butt and walking around among
other things.
The show put a slight damper on everybody euphoria. We'd been booked as opening
act for Jesus Messerschmitt, the same Band Shyboy played with in Munich. Hardly
anyone showed up this time though and the showers only had cold water. Not
much of a party afterwards coz we went straight on to Hamburg from there.
There was one positive x-periance that night though. I promised Andy I'd find
us some Smoke, and I got some homegrown off a couple of Bikers standing outside
the club. This dude named Waldie ( that's a dogs name alright) pulled out
a small film jar that seemed to be magic. He poured out about three quarters
of the jar into the cigarette-wrapper I was holding out. I was just about
to thank him and pull out my money when he told me to hold on for a second.
He shook the film-jar a few times and poured out another three quarters of
a jar. I almost freaked until it accured to me that the pot had been tightly
packed into the can. But it still was cool. I told him I wanted one of those
magic can and we all laughed.
The last gig of the tour was in Hamburg in a club called KNUST. The sound
tech. there is a woman. Quite attractive and very good at her job. Peter had
a rough time battling a sore throat but he made it through the show OK. Hamburg
was pretty cool. We checked out the Reeperbahn and a few other places. I found
this little museum/shop called Harry's Hafen Bazaar that had everything you
could think of. This dude had been collecting things sailors had brought from
everywhere over the last forty years. You could buy anything from stuffed
giraffes to works of art from Thailand to weapons from Africa to books and
magazines from all over the world and all over time.
It's Friday morning 12 o' clock or so. Yesterday was my day off. And what
did I do ? I went to see Dead anyway play at the Underground. After picking
up my mail and some weed at Claus' in Nussloch I started thinking about quitting
tobacco. I'm sure quitting cigarettes would be real easy if I had enough weed.

---

Slow,Sweet Suicide

She's a slow, sweet suicide



Baby takes me down for a final ride



slow, sweet suicide



take me down one last time



The first time around she had me

begging for more



the next time around I was

flat on the floor



She was moving easy like

she'd been there before



It wasn't hard to tell

she's getting

what she came for

---

I've been letting this diary slip somewhat lately. Partially cos I've been
too busy and partially cos I never took the time. I'm not sure how much I've
written about my situation lately, but here's a quick roundup:

When my Dad died in may 92 my mom came up with this old airforce-will my old
man had signed in 68. ( I was just a week old then and my brother wasn't even
born ! ) The will declared her as the only heir. So my mom said everything
was now hers and we where to leave her house. We told her we wouldn't unless
she had lawyers or cops drag us out. ( Maybe you shouldn't have said that
bro.)

Well, shortly after that a court order came in the mail. Mommy dear had told
a judge she felt her life was in danger if we lived in her house. According
to her testimony we were social failures and criminals. ( At this point I
still had a clean police record ) Apparently we had threatened to kill her
and she no longer felt safe unless we were prohibited to set foot into her
house. Well the judge had granted part of her request, We were not to :

- set foot into the living room, dining room or her bedroom

- assault her in any way

- consume drugs or permit others to do so on the premises.

Now those rooms had been locked up for weeks anyway, along with the telephone
and most of the food. And just to prove her point she invited two gentlemen
over while I was on tour with Jail. These dudes, you guessed it bro, were
cops. Now mommydear points these people at my room and tells them to check
the drawer next to my bed. Can you guess what they found ? Two used bowls
and a rabbit-shit sized piece of the worst hash I'd ever come across. I'd
kept it as a souvenir, because it was to lousy to smoke. ( "I told you not
to mention cops, bro ! Sucker !") I guess that took care of my police record
then. Well, anyway, yours truly gets himself a lawyer and fights back. Currently
the lawyers have agreed to an out of court settlement. If we move out, she
pays us part of my Dad's estate. ( according to German law we get one eighths
of it.) Well, since mom cleverly had been rearranging bank accounts for months,
the estate was quite small due to the debts on my Dad's accounts. To shorten
things up a little, we move out, we each get 12000 DM. But our Lawyer wants
more, so the final bid isn't in yet. Currently my plan is to put my shit into
storage with a friend, take the money and go to the states for a vacation.
I'm planning on leaving sometime between X-mas and new years. That's if all
goes well and I get the money right away. I'll just have to sleep wherever
I can until then. I think I'll roll another one. This years weed is the best
I've ever seen in Germany. ( Homegrown that is.)

I'm speeding. I'm at Melanie's place. She's my brother's girlfriend. Her and
two of her friends seem to have a special place in their hearts for stray,
homeless Rock 'n Rollers. They take them in and mother them a bit. I'm alone
here at the moment. The girls are all staying somewhere else. They're gonna
bring me Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.
Basically my overall situation is pretty shitty at the moment. I moved most
of my shit into Claus' basement and turned in the keys to my moms house. I
gave it to my lawyer. I should be getting my 10000 DM pretty soon. But until
then I'm dead broke. I slept in my van last night. ( Which isn't recommendable
in November ) I don't know if my medical insurance is still covered, but I
have serious doubts. I don't have enough money to buy gas, cigarettes, drugs
or even food. I'm reduced to the status of a beggar. I feel like tumbleweed.
Totally uprooted. It seems there is nothing that holds me except maybe the
fear of tomorrow. I am about to enter a territory I've never seen. Shortly
after x-mas I'm gonna fly to California all by myself. I'm planning meet Stevan
in Daytona FL. for the bike week during the first week in march. I still have
this uncertain fear something is gonna stop me from going through with this.
Maybe some part of me wants it to fail because I'll have to grow very fast.
I'll have to learn to be alone in a world of strangers. There will be none
to rely on but myself. If I fuck up I'm history. But I have to do this- I
need this to test myself, to prove to myself that I can do it, to get my perspective
straight. I have to leave all the shit behind that I've been thrown into here.
I have to leave my past behind and find out what I want from life. I have
to shake off all the thoughts and fears implanted into my mind over the years.
I gotta get the mental poison out of my subconcience. It's time I tried to
find myself. I've got nothing to loose. My father was all the family I knew,
he was the only source of Love and trust I knew as a child. He taught me most
of what I know. He taught me the meaning of honesty and trust. My mother taught
me the pain of deception and hate. She showed me what it feels like to have
your trust stepped on and thrown into the dust. When my father died, our family
died with him. The only person I can still call family is my Grandmother.
Even my brother isn't trustworthy enough to qualify. He fucks up too often
and lies way to much, even to me. So what's keeping me here? I'm learning
to swim, but I'm afraid to let go of the side of the pool. And it's not a
pool, it's an ocean and I am alone. But if I don't let go and try to swim,
I'll never learn and I'll never know what I'm capable of. I need this for
my self esteem. If I quit now, I'll always be a quitter. And I'll end up as
a two-bit roadie working my ass off just to make ends meet. But I want more
out of life than that. I'm not quite sure what it is that I want, but I'll
find out sooner or later. And I'll get it somehow. Later, dude.






Guess what, I just woke up in a Motel Room in LA. !

It's the day before new years eve and I finally made it out here.
Now it's new years eve. My second day in the states. (Well actually my third,
if you count the night I arrived) Let's take it from the beginning. I arrived
dec. 29 at 10.30 p.m. local time. To my surprise Dan, Carmen and Timo picked
me up at the airport. We went right away to a club called the red onion in
Woodland hills. There we met Cherie ( by coincidence ) we got there just in
time for a bikini contest. ( Yeah, bro !) When I finally made it to a Motel
room at 3 am I had been up for 72 hours prior to the flight, the 16 hours
in transit. I was too exhausted to feel jet lagged. Yesterday ( the 30^th)
we went to another red onion Club in Thousand Oaks. And guess what.- Another
bikini contest. Penthouse Miss February took part in it and came in third.
( That should tell you something....sizzle) I'm starting to like it here.
It's still strange in many ways, but I'll get used to it. Let's see what today
brings. Later, bro.

I recall the day when I had a virgin dream. People smiled much more for happiness was free. The blue sky smiles as waves roll to the shore. I opened my eyes and the dream was no more.

Today is my one week anniversary in LA. Timo's flying back tomorrow. That
means I'm on my own from now on. I rented a wreck today. I'll have it for 
two weeks. My Money won't last as long as I'd hoped. That means I'll have
to fly back sooner than planned. ( too fucking bad bro ) I'll have to find
a roommate today. I was gonna move in with three Swedish chicks, but that
didn't work out. But Maria, one of them introduced me to another Swede,(there
seems to be a lot of them around here) who is looking for a roommate. It'll
cost me though. If I do it my money will fade so fast I might have to fly
back at the end of the month. We'll see what happens. Later, dude.
Well, it's been two weeks now and I'm staying with Mark and Jimmy. ( Timo's
roommates ) My money is running low. ( "That's an understatement, bro!") well,
I'm getting a new tattoo today and after that I'll have about 150$ left. I've
kept $100 in travelers checks in order to change my flight back. But I've
got to live off something. It's been raining almost all of the time for the
last week or so. And I do mean raining. "...but man it pours..." There's about
a foot of water gushing down the street in front of our house. These Americans
can't build roads I mean they've had people drown in flood control sewers.
I've been told it hasn't rained this much in the last five years. Wouldn't
you know it ? I come to California and the weather goes bezerk. I get to see
the bad side of life wherever I go. Can you believe it, bro ? I haven't gotten
laid since I got here. I guess I'm just too fucking shy for this place. People
here are so outgoing and forward. It's kind of paradox though, cos on TV they
won't even show boobs. They actually black 'em out. I don't get it! In the
clubs the girls run around half naked (don't you love it?) and on TV they
can't show skin? What's the deal here? It's strange, but I think about Angie
a lot. Do I actually Love her? I know I miss her though. California has the
most beautiful girls in the world and all I can think about is her? Maybe
I should get laid for therapy But how do I go about that? If I don't learn
to be more forward It'll never work. O.W.W.T.F. (Oh Well, What The Fuck )

I'm dreaming bout the girl
that doesn't have a face
Sex, death,  skin on skin
Love from outter space
The jury found her guilty
she found me on the beach
stalking like a snake in heat
she swallows what she eats

---

November

November's cold in Germany
when you've got no place to go
no where to lay your aching head
No roof to keep away the snow
Baby, baby hold me tight
and tell me that you need me
Baby keep me warm tonight
'n I'll do my best to please you
Not a single Christmas gift
from folks I thought where friends
they're all with their families
I just got a bottle in my hand
Baby baby hold me tight
and tell me that you need me
baby keep me warm tonight
I'll do my best to please you
Baby, baby hold me close
and tell me that you want me
baby please don't let me go
cos loneliness will haunt me

---

It's February 1^st or 2^nd,
I'm not quite sure, but it doesn't really matter then either, does it? I'm
sitting outside by the pool, enjoying the sunshine. If the water in the pool
wasn't quite so cold I'd go for a swim. But the sun feels like June in Germany.
It's great. Timo will be back here in a few days. I'm going on broke. Well
OK. I'm thousands of miles away from Home with less than $40 to my name and
no job in sight. But what the hell, that's not gonna bring me down. I'm good
at survival. Tumbleweed doesn't deserve it's name until the wind uproots it,
right ? I'm going to put a few adds in the papers this week, let's see what
comes out of it. I wouldn't mind touring with a band for a while, it would
be a great experience. On the other hand I'd like to work with Timo on some
Music when he gets back. Also I've been working out a bit. I guess the California
health attitude is starting to rub off on me. ("Health is contagious, bro!")
Yeah, sure it is. I should go on a diet, but I love to eat too much. Fuck,
I'm in my bathing trunks and I'm sweating. In February. What a trip. I fucking
love it ! And you know what else is on my Mind ?
- Angie ! 
I actually think this separation has shown me how much she means to me. It's actually starting to worry me. I mean do I love her because she loves me, or do I love her because I love her ? Am I just telling myself I love her, because I know I've got her, or is there none else because I don't want anybody else ? I haven't even made a serious effort to pick up a chick since I got here, Why? ("Shouldn't it be why not ?") I mean there's more beautiful girls here than anyplace in the world an I haven't found any of the attractive enoughto even try? What's the deal here? I wish I knew. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'd love to have her here with me right now to share the beauty of this place. Isn't that kind of strange ?
("Not for you bro, You're a nutcase!")
Gee, thanks, I needed that. Something is going on with me. I don't like getting
drunk as much as I used to. Why? Am I growing up? Am I loosing my wild streak
? Or am I just ready for something new? I think I'll hit the pool now.

- Well, I guess not. I made it in to my knees, but the water was just a bit
to cold. But what the hell the pool isn't going anywhere.
It's Friday Feb., 5 or 6 - and I have no more money. Timo is coming back
from Germany tomorrow. And I have to go back very soon. Unfortunately. But
I'm pretty sure I will come back to California sometime. It's so nice here.
I'll have to save some money. I miss my friends back home, and I miss my job.
It just seems to me I need a purpose in Life. Out here I'm just hanging around
doing nothing and it drives me bezerk.

It's now Monday Feb. 15 ht 5 am and I'm sitting in LAX waiting for the restaurant
to open. My flight leaves at 8.20 and I've got no more cigarettes. I have
no money except for a travelers cheque worth $100, which I'll doubt they'll
accept due to lack of change at this time of day. None of the shops or anything
are open yet, so I'll just have to wait. I think the woman at the check in
counter wasn't quite awake yet, cos she forgot changing my flight is supposed
to cost $63. So I didn't pay for shit. But it's Monday morning and I was only
her second customer today. Hell, I was there before she was.
Well, I've been back in Germany for a week
now and what a week it was. I landed in Frankfurt Airport Tuesday morning
8 a.m. It was snowing and below freezing. Bernd picked me up from the airport.
The first bad news that hit me was that my van was history. Not only that,
but it had broken down on the autobahn and had been impounded. So it was gonna
cost me to have it scrapped. I went along to Bernds house to get some sleep.
On the way there we stopped by the concert hall where my brother was working,
to get some hash. I slept for a few hours until Angie and Nina came by. We
wanted to go out for some pizza. I grabbed my piece on the way out. I was
gonna leave it, but I changed my mind at the last minute. On the way to the
Pizza Hut we got pulled over, the cops found the dope and I was arrested.
So I spent my first night in Germany in a Jail cell. After they released me
the next morning I stashed my shit at my Grandmothers house and went to see
MiRo, a light and Sound Company I'd worked for in the past. They were busy
preparing for a major 5-day production and were very happy to see me. They
booked me on the spot. So the very next day I started working a crazy 27-hour
shift. I didn't get to sleep until Friday or so. Then I caught a cold and
it threw me flat on my back. I checked out Tuesday night and spent all day
in bed since. Today is Thursday.
Not any more it ain't. It's Wednesday somewhere in the middle of march. I've
been in a weird mood lately. It seems that I'm not very sociable these days,
and I don't feel much like going out. I think I need to get my life back on
track somehow. It's been so long since I've had the comfort and stability
of my own place. Shit it's been a whole fucking year! 
(" Yeah, bro, time sure flies when you're having a good time, har, har !")
Tumbleweed. That's the magic word here. It's just how I feel. I don't belong anywhere, I'm a foreigner wherever I go, I have no roots strong enough to support me. So I'm blown away by the wind. Unless I manage to plant my feet, I have no way of controlling my direction.  
" Plot a course for the Omega quadrant, Checkov.- Aye, captain"


Quite fascinating, isn't it? Here I am, nearly a quarter century old and I'm
still drifting through the days like a dried leaf in a mountain creek. The
only thing to stop the leaf, at least for a while is a rock breaking the surface
of the water.(" Rock. - I get it bro. Nice analogy, for a change.") Gee, thanks.

The other night I promised myself I'd buy a keyboard in order to learn and
record music. Mainly melodies. It would surely enhance my ability to write
lyrics, if I could record the melody lines easily. And with a little help
from my friend Atari that shouldn't be to much of a problem. But first I need
an apartment and a car. And I have hardly any money saved up anymore. Oh yeah,
Angie left me again. I'm single once again. She said it wasn't gonna work,
because our worlds were too different, among other things. Actually what she
said sounded very familiar. I recall saying almost the exact same things to
her a few years back. But she still loves me and she figures next time we
meet, she'll snap and we'd wind up in bed or something. ("Great, bro. You
get to be the back door man. Wow, sucker!") Shut the fuck up, smart ass! I
think it's time to skin up.

Well, it's been a while. Today is Tuesday April 27 1993.-I think.
I've been staying in my Grandma's guest room and it's been OK. But until I
get my own place I just won't feel right. Bills are piling up again. I guess
I should talk to the guy at the bank. I'll have to do that anyway to see if
I can get a loan. Oh I haven't even told you about the career decisions that
I have to make. Well, Michel Rolohf, the guy that owns MiRo and Donald Dilocker
the owner of Delec, a Studio Sound co. and a few other co.s are going to merge
into a giant holding Co. that will supply anything from PA systems to advertisements
and 3D- Animations. Now they want me to be a partner in this enterprise as
well as head of the stage sound dept. I'm talking big business my man! Now
I'll need about 25000 DM to invest. At least. Could you picture me heading
an entire branch of a franchise ? Well it just might happen. And a few other
things will change too. On my 25^th Birthday I want to quit smoking
cigarettes and I'll quit drugs for a while to get my head straightened out.
I think this is a very important step in my life. Not just cleaning up my
act, but it's just time to firmly plant my feet on the ground and make a stand.

It's Wednesday night. I Picked up my personal shit from Nussloch today. Or
at least the stuff that was packed in boxes. That includes my tapes, CDs and
my original "Part I" Notebook. It sure felt good knowing it safely back in
my possession.("Yeah, bro, there's a lot of intimidating shit in there!")
Thanks for the hint. Say, who the hell are you anyway? I've been wondering
about that all along. Are you my alter ego ? Or maybe you're just the little
voice in the back of my head, that loves nothing more than to destroy an illusion
by bringing me back to reality ? Should I find a name for this little troublemaker?
No, I think I'll leave the "Status Quo"
These seems to be the last 20 or 30 pages of this Notebook. That means I
have almost finished the second one Hard to believe. If I think back through
the pages of these two books, I see a pretty good image of my inner self over
these past few years. - How many has it been anyway ? Two or three maybe.
But a lot of important things have happened in this period.

-------
Would you fucking believe it? Just when I've decided to quit drugs on my
birthday, I get a letter ordering me to be screened for drugs. They're our
for my drivers license! So today was my last day of drugs for a while. But
they just couldn't wait for me to quit on my own. I mean two friggin' weeks
before my own deadline! (" That's life for ya', bro! It always gets you when
you're trying to get up. And it always gets you right in the balls!") A-FUCKING-MEN!

I'm now 25 years old and I'm totally clean (X-cept for tobacco) I've had
a very lonely birthday, even though I was in a room filled with 2000 people.
We were doing a show for Suzuki in their Beer-tent at the Motobike '93. But
not a single birthday- congratulations. Not a single girl to give me a happy
birthday kiss. And not a single birthday present. So that's how I celebrated
a quarter of a century of going out of my way not to hurt anybody or to treat
them bad.

Then I find out a buddy of mine is diagnosed with TB- the very infectious
type, bro ! That means I'll have to get myself checked out too. And on top
of all that I haven't gotten laid in close to six month. My sperm-pressure
must be redline revving. In order to keep my sanity I've decided to start
working on a motorcycle. I've got a frame and almost enough spare parts to
build one from scratch. And that's just what I'm going to do.
It's June first and I'm barely holding on to my sanity. Loneliness is eating
away at what little energy I have left. I don't know where I'm getting my
power from. It seems I've running on empty for so long it's just a matter
of time before I run out of gas. Tomorrow is nothing but a big black hole,
ominously sitting there and sucking up everything. I always thought there
was a spec. of light at the end of every tunnel. Now I'm not so sure anymore.
A dead-end tunnel maybe? But if I turn back now. there will have been light
around the next curve. It's Murphy's Law. Ain't it? So what do I do? I just
keep going one step at a time. Constantly stumbling and falling in the darkness.
I get up again, go on and get tripped up again. I just hope I wont hurt myself
too badly in one of these spills, to badly to get up again. I'd perish in
the darkness and none would know.("Even if they knew, who do you think would
care.")
Last night was Lenny Kravitz at the Maimarkhalle in Mannheim. It was pretty
good. Robert Plant was opening. And now I'm on my way for the first of my
piss-tests. It's early Thursday morning, too early if you ask me. You should
have seen the girls at the show last night. Teenage girls with bellbottoms
and belly-free tops as for as the eye could see. (" Too bad they're all to
young, eh bro ?") Yeah, makes you wanna be sixteen again. (" But they sure
as hell didn't look like that when You were sixteen !") But who knows, you
only get one chance at being sixteen. But what a sight is was none the less!
I wonder how many of them raided their mothers close-storage boxes in the
attic to find what they were wearing? And I also wonder what my piss tests
turn out like. My drivers license is on the line. And I've been clean for
a month now. I only hope that its enough.
It's Sunday afternoon, a beautiful warm day on the Neckarwiese. My Grandma
got back from her holiday yesterday and I took her car to get out here. The
sun is burning down like it was going out of style and I've got AC/DC's Dirty
deeds blasting on my walkman and a can of Jim Beam & Coke to go along
with it, Just what the doctor ordered. The last three days we had another
36-hour non-stop production that drains your energy down to below zero and
this is just what I needed to get back into a decent mood.



I went to dinner with Angie tonight.
We met at the Underground by coincidence last night. It was the first time
we saw each other since we broke up. One look into each others eyes and everything
was back. So tonight we went out for Chinese dinner. We talked amazingly open
for quite some time. Talking to her has become very easy. She's grown up considerably
and it seems she believes, as I had suspected, that we were meant for each
other. It seems I left an uneraseble imprint in her personality. We've been
given so many chances, over and over again, that must mean something. I think
we're both almost ready to face the facts. It was meant to be, and it will.
One way or the other. And again we agreed. But I think this time I'll let
things happen slowly and wait what happens. Good night.

Well, according to my biorhythm I should be doing fine. Then why the hell
did I cut my left hand yesterday? I was getting rid of old Bottles when a
coke-bottle exploded and cut my thumb to the bone. I was lucky not to hit
my tendons. But I won't be playing drums for a while never the less. Today
I was at the dentist and he ripped out one of my teeth. Now does that conflict
with the physical curve on my Biorhythm or not ? My stomach is growling but
I can't eat because of the hole in my Jaw. I was supposed to work a show today
and tomorrow, but because of my hand I can forget about that too. That means
I loose another 700 DM this month. And this month was gonna be slow anyway
and I was kinda counting on working a few extra festivals to make ends meet.
G 'n R are coming as well as Bon Jovi. I could've made a couple of thousand
Marks on those if my injury hadn't fucked it all up. How come every year just
around the open air season something happens that stops me from making any
money. Is some bizarre force trying to keep me poor, or am I just having the
longest streak of bad luck in history?

At least things are looking pretty good with Angie. Nothing official yet,
mind you, but we're heading in the right direction. I guess somebody finally
realized where my good sides are. She said everytime she compared her x-boyfriend
to me, he kept coming up short. Now that made me feel good. ("I bet it did,
bro. Just what you wanted to hear, wasn't it?") Yeah, it was. But is anything
wrong with that? I mean, after all I always tried to treat people fairly and
honestly and finally it paid off and somebody has seen through the smoke screen
to find me there. What's wrong with that ? Nothing, I guess. Actually I think
I'll call her now. She should be home from work by now.

Later, dude.



It's about 8pm. Last night I went to visit my brother in Mörfelden.
We went to the Cadillac, the club Melanie, my brothers old lady, used to work
at. Casanova were playing. Louise was there too. I haven't been here in a
while. It looks like she's been hanging around with Gina and a few other girls
that take enormous pride in being able to say their boyfriend plays in a band.
You know the type. "Oh, he's so cute, does his band have a record deal? No?
What a dog!" I think you get the message. Too bad, Louise was kinda cute.
And she was a great lay too. But what am I saying, that's just the kind of
Girl a musician needs, when he's on tour. At least for the night.

Angie tried to visit me last night. Since I wasn't home she talked to my Grandma
for a while. She left a very good impression. It seems like Grandma likes
her quite a bit.

Hey, I just heard a good line on "Roseanne" :
"Not winning doesn't mean you're a looser. Losers are people that never even try to win."
That makes quite a bit of sense. If you don't try you can't win. But if you do try none can
blame you if someone else happens to be just a bit better.

Well, Angie and I are going out again tonight. I'm supposed to meet her around
9pm and it looks like We're going to some party. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.(
"If you don't forget, bro.") Yeah, right. Later, dude.



Last night there was a party at the Thingstaette, an old amphitheater
on top of a mountain. We stayed there until sunrise. Then today Angie came
to see me. We were upstairs in my room watching Moonwalker on TV, when we
got "carried away" just a bit. Now since my Grandma is quite serious about
pre-marital-sex the whole situation was pretty bizarre. But the danger of
discovery turned up the heat a couple of notches. And it was well worth it.
Making love to Angie was something I'd been waiting to do for more than three
years now. And it's safe to say it was worth the wait. I love her, I really
do. And I've loved her since I met her. I mean I never managed to get her
out of my head even when I was with someone else. This is the fourth time
we're trying at this relationship. But I've got a feeling this time we can
make it work. Both of us have aged and learned a bit over the last few years.
We should be ready for this. I hope.
Mon., June 22

I let Angie read my diary today. I just hope she didn't misunderstand
anything due to insufficient translation. She seemed a bit surprised by some
of my thoughts ( or was it the way I put them ) but then again I'd probably
be slightly discomforted too if I found out how someone thought about me.
I went to pick up my LPs at Bernd's place after I'd taken her back home. I
also decided I need to make some extra money somehow so I can buy myself a
Van again. I need my own wheels more than I need my own place. After all,
If I have a van I can do without an apartment for a while. (" That wouldn't
be anything new for us, now would it, bro ?") No, it sure as hell wouldn't.
I mean I spent almost a year living out of a backpack in the back of my VW-bus
and staying here and there. There's been times I've gotten laid just to have
a place to sleep. But all that's in the past now. I've found the woman I love
and lately I've been thinking quite a bit about how it would be to spend the
rest of my life with her. Shit, even the thought of getting married and having
Children not only crossed my mind, but actually came up in conversation occasionally.
Not as anything specific, but it came up. That never happened before in my
entire life. Hell, I never even used to even use the M-word when I was around
a woman. But I guess that's all just a part of growing up, isn't it ? The
fact is I love Angie more than I ever loved anyone and it took me years to
find that out. I remember the night I spent in Jail, when I first came back
from California. Seeing her cry at the police station hurt me more than the
idea of spending the night in jail. And that same night her scent on my cloths
helped me make it through the night. Does that sound strange ? So what if
it does. Lying there in that pitch-black jail-cell unable to sleep, even the
vague smell of her perfume made me feel less alone and desolated. Even if
she reads this diary over and over again I don't think it can express the
depth of my feelings for her. Words are simply insufficient to relate emotions
of this kind. I think I'll go to bed now. And since I can't get stoned I guess
I'll have a cigarette and watch some TV. Good night.

I was reading through some older parts of this book, when it accurred
to me that lately I haven't written as much poetry as I used to. I wonder
if Life has taken away the illusions and replaced them by facts. Slowly, one
by one, like someone replacing paintings on his living room wall with schematic
diagrams and architectural plans.



Whatever happened to the poetry

whatever happened to my muse

whatever happened to the colored dreams

whatever happened to the blues ?



I must find my way back to the world of dreams, to the world of Technicolor
fantasy where liquid thoughts freely roam beyond the borderline. Or is it
to late, are the bridges burned behind me ? Or am I just a captive of life's
bitter facts? I can feel the need to break these ties, even if they're invisible.
I think now that Love has re-entered my life I have the power and the resources
to shake the shackles and once again let my spirit gallop freely across the
plains of dreamland. I've become way to factual and to tame. The everyday
battles have almost managed to ban my dreams into the abyss of yesterday.
But not if I can help it. I was down for the count, but I'm back on my feet
and I'm still kicking. "It ain't over 'till the fat lady sings !"And I've
got her microphone hidden pretty well !

---

Stolen Roses

Wed, June 24^th

Just after midnight

I sneak up to your door

a symbol of Love

I lay down on the floor

your dog barking loudly

as I run like a thief

on your doorstep the roses

I hope you'll receive

I don't have the money

to buy you diamonds and pearls

But believe me when I say

I'd give you the world

Flowers I've stolen

from here and from there

to make you remember

how much I care

Stolen Roses lay at your door

Stolen roses wishing I could give you more

Stolen roses for my love

---

I wonder if Angie will find those roses, before she steps on them. Maybe
their dog kept barking long enough to wake up someone and make them look outside
the door. It's possible but unlikely. I haven't seen her or spoken to her
in two days and it seems like it's been a year. Somewhere deep inside of me
I feel her like she was standing next to me. As if all I needed to do is to
extend my hand and I'd be able to touch her. There must be somekind of magic
rubber band between us, that stretches eternally but never tears. I just hope
this feeling is mutual. I've been in need of the kind of hope this relationship
has given e for quite some time. After being dragged under water by the tide
constantly this breath of air really does me good. Might I be expecting to
much out of this relationship? Am I rushing into something here and leaving
her to catch up? I certainly don't want to jeopardize our Love. God, this
fear of loosing her again is embedded so deeply into my conscience that it
really worries me. I mustn't let it effect my judgment. I don't want her to
feel as if a drowning man is desperately clinging to his savior and thereby
endangering them both. You know, the first time we were together, nearly three
years ago, I talked myself into believing that it hadn't been love I'd felt.
But thinking back now, I know it was. Young Love, not quite strong enough
to survive the everyday strains. kind of like a sprouting tree that must bend
with he wind or its roots are not yet strong enough to withstand its force.
But that tree has grown, its trunk has survived the rigors of the seasons,
the sun and the wind have made its bark grow thick and strong. Its branches
and roots spread out far enough to give shelter to those who are fortunate
enough to be in the vacinity. We can now easily lean against its trunk and
even climb its limbs without fear of breaking them. Then why the hell am I
afraid of losing her? It just doesn't make sense. From now on I'll try to
forget about that fear, I'll strike it from my thoughts. Smokey says:" Don't
play with fire when you're in the woods!" -Thanks, pal.
Mon. June 28

had my second piss test today. I found out I'd failed the first one, that
means I have to take another one. Shit, that'll take care of getting it all
over with by the time he weed harvest comes in. OWWTF !
Fri. July 2^nd

ad a hard day at work today. Everybody except me is going to Berlin
for the Love Parade. Our company is supplying three floats with PA-systems
and there was a lot to do today. I was supposed to go, but we got in another
show or tomorrow and I'm the poor bastard that was put in charge of that show.
It's a pretty decent sign of trust, hat I was made responsible for it, but
it's also a kind of test. So I'd better not fuck up this one, or else....financially
I'm still in a dump. (" As if that was news, bro!") Yeah, right. One of these
days Alice! I should see fortune teller to find out if that's my destiny or
if I'll ever get over that. Not that I'm superstitious or anything, but I
do consider myself open-minded about such things. Nothing is impossible, right?
Well, I'll try to get some sleep, if I can. (" Are you saying that Coke was
any good?") No, it wasn't any good, but it's keeping me awake. I'm just glad
I don't buy that stuff. (" You couldn't afford that kind of a habit anyway!")
As if I didn't know that. I think I'll read a bit and go to bed. Good night.

It must have been a week or so since I last wrote anything. Not that there
was nothing to write, but I as in a kind of mental shock that I needed to
get over before I could start to articulate my thoughts. Angie left me. Yup,
you guessed it, that was what put me in the state I was in. When I called
last Sunday she wasn't feeling to good a said she was gonna stay in bed. Nothing
unusual, but somewhere in the back f my head that little voice started to
poke at my brain, trying to make me feel uneasy. And as usual it was right.
When I called her again on Monday, she said she wasn't sure if she loved me
anymore, but between he line she said she didn't. Once again I felt utterly
helpless. I was willing to fight for her, I was even willing to die for her.
But what can you do against something like that? I guess that's the story
of my life. Everytime I find something that moves me enough to energize me
beyond the hopelessness, fate turns on e and figures out some way to show
me how useless my efforts are and that there are still some foes you imply
cannot fight against. But why me? What have I done to deserve this? After
all, I consider myself to e a halfway decent person and I try to treat the
world as I wish to be treated. But does it?--- HELL NO! It's as if someone
is constantly trying to test my beliefs to se if I can keep them. Sure, go
right head. Kick me everytime I try to get up, just to see if I'll try again.
What if I don't? You'll grin and say "I told you so!" Fat chance, bro. If
this is a mental marathon, I'm intending to go the distance. But why did she
leave to leave me? I was just beginning to believe in Love again, just was
starting to think we'd have a real chance. But during the last few days I've
come to terms with the facts. I just hope I can resist if she should ever
try to come on to me again. (" Yeah, bro, you're really good at that aren't
you. This was, what, try o. 4 ?")Shut up. I know I've been through this with
her before, but this time it's over for good. Next time he tries, if she should,
I might screw her, but that'll be it. I will not fall in Love with her again.
That's if I an manage to fall out of Love first. I mean just cause I've come
to terms with it being over doesn't mean don't Love her anymore. But I won't
be vulnerable to this pain I'm feeling anymore. Even if that means I have
to withdraw myself to a certain extent. That's basically what I did this week.
I started building model cars again. Corvettes to be x-act. I finished a '53
custom and a beautiful '72 Pro Street during this period f withdrawal. Building
these delicate little pieces helped me get my mind off of my worries. And
it feels good to have a hobby that helps you to keep your piece of mind. Oh
well I guess that'll be all for now. .U. Later.
Oh yeah, here's what I wrote the day after...

---

ANITA

Mon.

I found my therapy. There is only one thing that can help you get over a woman and that is ---another woman. Now don't get me wrong, bro. I haven't fallen in Love again. That doesn't happen that fast, but I've been getting laid like I haven't in years. Anita is a 24 year old redheaded hairdresser. She originally was supposed to cut my hair and we wound up in bed. Been there ever since.
That's life. Emotionally it's nothing serious, but it's a shitload of fun, and it really feels great. Everything is easy going and pretty relaxed. Oh yeah, I got caught in a speed trap the other day. I held the record : 98 Km/h in a 50 Km/h Zone. That'll be pretty expensive. Just my luck, eh? OWWTF!
You can't win 'em all. Even if it's been a while since my last entry, I can't  think of anything else to write at the moment, so I'll call it a night. Later, dudes and dudettes.

Well guess what. I've done it again. As you would expect, this relationship
has evolved into something much more serious than I had planned on. Not that
I mind, though. It looks like the first serious adult-like thing I've ever
been involved in. We've been looking for a apartment and we've been making
plans. And we've been getting laid almost every night! We've also overcome
two major fights, the worst of which was last night. But we made it through
and it has bonded our relationship much tighter.

Oh yeah, Krischl my guitar player told me last night that he quit plying guitar
and went back to playing bass. Now for me that is good news, because I've
always played very good and tight with him. We seem to communicate perfectly
when we're playing. We should be a very good rhythm section. But I'm curious
to find out how Steffi, our bass player will react. We now have a band with
two bass players and no guitar. That should be interesting. We'll see. Later,
bro..




As you can tell, it's been a while since my last entry. I guess everytime
I get involved with a woman I have no time left for this diary. Well we found
an Apartment in Dossenheim and we should be moving in by the first of next
month. Anita has gone back to work about three or four weeks ago. Ever since
then we haven't had any Sex and it's starting to get pretty hard on me. ("Do
you mean that literally, bro ?") Yeah, I guess you could put it that way.
("But you would rather put IT away, wouldn't you?") You got me bro! But I'm
pretty sure things will work out. Hopefully. Well that'll have to be all for
now. Later, dude...

Anita and I had an argument and she went off to her sisters place. I hope
she'll cool down and come back. We've been living here together since November
93. It's just hard to explain the way she's acting towards me: It's like she
withdraws and curls up to a little ball to keep out the world or maybe just
me.

Well, she left. She went to her sister's place in the Black Forest. She left
me a letter explaining how she feels. And in a few points I've got to admit,
I've made some mistakes. I guess I didn't listen properly when she was talking.

I've been on tour with the Flippers since September 20^th and it's
only a few days away from half-time break. Two weeks off. That'll feel great
I can tell ya. The first two weeks of the tour I had serious stomach trouble;
I kept puking and shitting like crazy. I just couldn't keep any food in. It
seemed like I was slowly starving, fully conscious. It sucked let me tell
ya, bro. But it's gotten a lot better these last few days and I'm actually
gaining strength back. And I've been thinking a lot.- About my relationship
with Anita, about my position in life and about my plans for the future. Everything
has become a bit blurry lately. Well actually, It hasn't been clear for quite
some time now. It's just that I've become a bit unsatisfied with things. OK
I have a car, a place and enough work to survive. But that's about it.

Well, where to begin...

I've been living together with Anita for just over a year now, and things
have been slowly getting worse. Yesterday we decided that we'd split up. That
would mean I move out. Actually I'd been playing with that thought for a while
now. For some reason I´m, just not satisfied with my life right now. I lost
most of my creativity somewhere during the last twelve months or so. I just
didn't have the urge to write, for some strange reason I've become totally
lame and lazy. I need to get back out there and live. I've been so busy surviving,
I forgot about living.

I've been trying to figure out what has happened in the last year; I mean
I was really looking for some answers. I must have been so hungry for a home
( you know the kind where you get a kiss when you go to work and when you
come back from tour there will be somebody there to give you a warm welcome
and maybe a back-rub) that I totally lost perspective on things. But for some
reason it didn't work out the way it was supposed to. Anita is not the homey
type and neither am I. ( I could have told you so) It seems that I got carried
away with settling down and lost track of my goals. Do I really need to go
back out on the edge to find my muse? Or do I just need to get back to a place
where I got to depend on myself to get things done. If there is someone else
around who will take care of things before I get around to them, chances are
I won't do them. I'll just wait around until they get done. That starts with
simple things like doing dishes or cleaning up my shit. You see when I'm alone
I'll wait until the mess-level reaches my tolerance threshold and then I'll
clean up. But usually Anita would have a lower level of tolerance before she
would act. And afterwards I'd have to listen to her lecture about how she
always has to clean up after me and I never do shit. She sounds way to much
like my Mom sometimes. Now I know she's right most of the time ( and my Mom
probably too ) when it comes to things like that, I am a tumultuous person,
I know that, but I don't mind doing the work, it's just I like to decide when
to do it myself.

I guess our relationship was doomed from day one. Well, I gotta go, but I
might be back later today. We'll see.

---

29.10.94

Mr.Pilot Man

Hey there Mr. Pilot man

can you tell me where I am

I seem to be lost somewhere at sea



But none out there looking for me

Getting tired of swimming

show me to the shore

Howcome it feels like

I've been here before



same old same old

brand new shit



I'm holding the fan

it's about to hit



Take me down, turn around, look me in the eye



tie me up, bring me down, never tell me why



braindead, mislead or am I just insane



lazy ass, smoking grass, take away the pain



betting on the wrong horse

ready for an overdose



heading right for comatose



just take me to the launchpad and

watch me fly away

---

A year has passed

A year has passed, much have I grown

but died a little just the same

How much is left of who I was

Is it more than just my name?

So subtle crept in awful stealth

a mist into my soul

A flaming heart once burning bright

dimmed to a candle in a hole

The dreamers eyes, now dull and gray

but shadows do they see

of eagle's wings and breaking locks

and soaring above the trees

But where to start, which way to go

what chains are holding me

Bound to the earth, my spirit shrieks


it's power has been drained

to tired to reach out for the sky

merely living causes pain

A Year has passed, I've said before,

not good my résumé

I wonder what I will be like

Once I found my way.

---