Into The Blue

The following is a transcript of the handwritten diary I kept in the 90's. I've resisted the urge to make any changes or to edit its content. But be aware it contains a lot of Sex, Drugs and Rock'n'Roll!
So I hope you enjoy this little trip into the past.
Chris Mills

---

---

Chapter 1

Why can't friends become Lovers ?It doesn't make sense, does it? If two
people communicate on the same wavelength and their needs and desires are almost
the same wouldn't they be a perfect match ?So why do we spend all night talking
and basically just telling each other how right we'd be for each other. At least
that's the way it seems to me.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just my imagination and I'm a mile off base. But
the more we talk, the more attracted I get and the little voice in the back of
my head says: "Wouldn't it be great to make love to her right now ?" Did it
really say "make love" - That's scary, usually that voice sounds more like :
"Yeah bro., we both know you'd like to fuck the living daylights outta that
one... on the spot !" Yeah- but she's not the kind of woman you simply fuck -too
much communication going on for that. But she awakens desires of candlelight
dinners, picnics in the woods, strolling along a beach in the sunset and making
hot, passionate and honest love !
How do you tell someone that considers you a friend that you're in love with
them?
It all starts while you listen to her talk. You begin to sink into
those puppy dog eyes that seem to say : "please hold me before I cry "; then you
loose track of what she's saying. Her voice fades into a distant echo. The
little man running that slide-show in your brain starts flashing scenes like a
drop of sweat gently rolling down her neck, sparkling in the sunrise like a
small diamond. Then we get to see the old "From here to eternity"
scene. ( with
some minor cast changes of course ) And just about when you begin to feel the
waves flushing through your hair some keyword drills it's way into your
conscience and you say "Huh? What? "And she'll repeat the question about her
boyfriend and how you think he feels about her. From somewhere deep down in your
soul that little slide-show operator yells :" Send the prick to hell and take me
!"
"... I know you've got another man but I can love you better
than him..."

But of course you'll say something like :"Well, it's hard to
tell if he's sincere or not, but I can ask him inconspicuously."
"NO ! You
stupid piece of shit! You're supposed to think up some wild story about you
seeing him with this other chick last night, but you didn't want to tell her at
first, but you thought she should know."
So what, I'm honest - are you gonna
hold it against me ? Honesty is already working against my interest, but at
least I don't have to worry about remembering that wild story I told her last
week, right ? Yeah, right, wow.. So what do I do ? Tell her:" listen babe, I'm
the solution to all your worries ?"-No, she's gotta figure that one out on her
own. But why? I don't know, that's just the way I am. And until then I guess
it'll be sideshows and a lot of talking...
It's not easy to dump your lover. But sometimes there's no other way. It
hurts. "Of course it does, what did you think, dipshit !" But after a certain
time thinking about it, the other possibilities seem to fade and the ugly truth
shines brighter. It's kind of like a brain-tumor You're the patient and the
surgeon. But guess what, Right, no anesthetics! "HA, HA. Do you feel it? It
hurts to cut and it takes a while to heal. How long? Well I'm not god, you know
- just wait and see."

---

Goodbye my love.

---

Angie

I've been going out with Angie, but don't ask me why. She's very young and has a lot to learn before she's ready for a serious relationship. I guess I'mjust fascinated by her innocent virgin beauty. Who the hell do I think I am. Do I need this - No ! I've paid my dues. I've done my share of learning and I've done my share of teaching. I don't need a woman that causes me nothing but heartache and worries.
I'm not into making things hard for myself. All my life I've always been patient as hell, but I think I'm running out of willpower. Im ean for gods sake, what am I getting out of this relationship ? I just keep putting in and putting in and I have no right to withdraw ? BS.!
That's like buying a car, making all the payments and then have someone tell you the car stays in the shop, but you may come by once a week and look at it.
What am I some kind of idiot?!
It's time to push my own thing forward instead of always making sure I don't leave anyone behind.
Well, guess what. -I told her to go to hell. She stood me up twice - that's one too many - and went to a party with her best buddy. I'm getting sick of him.
So I told her to go fuck him. Once you get going it's surprising how words come
pouring out. It keeps getting easier to hurt her.
And now I'm free again. Free and alone.
Let's see what happens now. BS! I know what's next. It's like selling a car. As long as there's a SOLD-sign on it, everybody makes a better offer. But if someone backs out and you put the FOR SALE up again, no one seems to want it anymore.
"Human nature, you fool !" Right. We always want what we can't have.
But as soon as it becomes available the interest is gone. That's life, right ?
Right! -"Relax dude, things will get better soon." -"Who said that ? Do you
really believe that shit ?"

Life's a bitch and then you die.(" So fuck
the world and let's get high !")
"You're free, asshole, free !"

Yeah, like the lady sang :

How true.
Couldn't have said it any better myself. With nothing to loose, I got everything
to win, right ? Wrong, you can't play if you got nothing to play with ! " Ante's
up !" Sorry dude, I'm broke... maybe next time around. You dump one girl because
you're more attracted to another and wind up with neither. That's life. She's
history but I'm curious, according to my asshole-theory ( that says the worse
you treat a girl the more she wants you ) she should try to get me back.

Unless-, yeah unless I was right about her friend. ( male friend that is )
I'll find out, won't I ? There's plenty of fish in the sea. -But my boat is in
bad need of repair before I can set sail. And with my luck, I'll find out the
holes in my net are too big. That's life.
Fuck life ! I'll do what feels
right. I have to. Anything else would add up to me betraying myself. And we
don't want that ,now do we ?"Okay pal, you asked for it !" Now why did that
bastard start showing slides - of her again ? I should kick his butt. I'm
cutting away at a brain tumor and he's got to twist the scalpel while I'm
working.



"... every rose has it's thorn.."
I just got off work and it's time to go to work again. Just to do something
my brother got me into. Stupid, eh ? Well what the fuck. I might as well do it.
There might be some money in it. - Where's my friggin' French fries ? I hope she
didn't forget. A couple of minutes to relax before I go back to work. Too bad
you can't get high at Mc D's. I'll have to roll one before I get on the train. -
She sure is taking her time with my fries, ain't she ? The girl cleaning the
trays is looking my way. I wonder why ? Shit. I should've asked here to check on
my fries. I'm starting to get impatient.
Two kids in G n R - patched jackets are standing by the stairs leading down
to the john. They kissed and left. The chick was ugly as hell. Where are those
fries ?! The bitch forgot !I asked the tray-girl to check on them for me. I
guess she remembered. That's cool. Let's see what happens now. Well the
tray-girl brought 'em with a smile. Yup, she'd forgotten. Well, shit happens,
right ? Right on homeboy.
Looking at the teenage girls walking in and out of
here you'd think we were in the sixties. Like yours truly likes to say :"when
we're done, the nineties will make the sixties look like the fifties."
It's weird. But true. Nothing ever gets wasted - even ideas come back sooner or later.
I bet Newton never imagined the his theory included things like
fashion,music and even attitude. Make the best of what we got, take what we need and
screw the rest. That's the nineties, bro. !
I just went looking for a place to roll a joint. It's amazing how hard it is
to be alone in a town like Heidelberg. Especially when it's raining. Fuck
that. I'll roll it here in the open, with everybody watching. Good, let's
do that then. I'll have to wait 'till that train leaves, though. The people
onboard are staring at me. Shit why don't they leave. - That's better.

Great, there goes my fucking train. Well I'll take the next one. I'm in no
hurry. It stopped raining, that's cool, but my ass is soaked anyway from sitting
on the wet park bench. Fuck it! It's only water.

Well, I'm feeling relaxed. Just waiting, scopeing, observing. I just saw a
two-hundred year old nun lick her lips and flick her tongue. It looked weird.
But who ever said mummified nuns can't get horny. They're only human. What's
that ? Cute ! Her smile and the way she's holding her cigarette. Curious eyes
and... and she's gone. Got on the train I'd be getting on if I was going home.
The same fucking train! Life can be a real bitch at times. Actually life is
a pool full of manure. The lucky ones get to hold on to the edge. The rich
ones are sitting in boats. And people like me just tread water (or shit) to
keep our heads clean and try to dodge people swinging at us with paddles.


I just had a wino ask me if I knew how hard life can be. Is that timing or
what ? With timing like that I'd be the world's best drummer.

The dude with the G n´ R jacket changed Chicks. Just saw him kissing one at
the bus stop. Long brown straight hair. Looked straight from Woodstock. Except
her close had designer labels and she probably wasn't even born when Woodstock
happened. I wonder how much she knows about the sixties. Shit, I wasn't born
'till '68.

I missed the sixties the first time around. But I can relate to the attitude
and the tolerance. From that point of view the sixties come into focus.

It ain't about the way you look. It's about being able to look anyway you
want without getting hassled for it. It's about creating your own style, about
being yourself. And about letting everybody else be what they wanna be, without
being biased. I think you get the picture. Yeah, I think I'm a hippie. A new
age hippie I should say. Times change. We learn from the mistakes of our predecessors.
( or at least should learn )But the cry for freedom and tolerance remains.


I think I'll roll another one when I get there, before I start working. So
what if they're doctors. Who gives a fuck. If they figure out that I'm stoned
what are they gonna do ? Send me home before I've done the work ? -Fat chance.
Tell my mom ? - I'm so scared, HA, HA. But who says they'll know anyway, right
?

I'm free again. Let's see what the world has to offer. I've got to work tonight,
but the day after tomorrow I'll go out. That'll be a Wednesday, the beginning
of the weekend. Schwimmbad Club - Time. Shitloads of women. Maybe I'll get
a chance to fuck my X's best friend. She's always turned me on. And I know
she wants me since that night we tripped together. Now's my chance.

My leg is falling asleep on me. I'm almost there. NONE FUCKING HOME ! I come
all the fucking way out here after work and there's nobody home. I went all
the way up to the 24 the floor and knocked on the door. No answer. Fuck it,
I'm outta here.

---

Cottonmouth City Cottonmouth city I can hear you call Cottonmouth city I can hear you call Just rolled up my ticket it went up in smoke Cottonmouth city please don't make me choke Cottonmouth City here I'm coming again Cottonmouth City here I come again Cottonmouth City with your arms open wide won't you welcome me home tonight Cottonmouth City well I'm back again Cottonmouth City I'm back home again Cottonmouth City get ready tonight the boy is back with the speed of light Cottonmouth city better hold on tight Cottonmouth city I'm putting' up a fight Cottonmouth city better get out of sight Got me a bottle of beer gonna do it right Brown sugar baby get out of my way Brown sugar baby I ain't gonna play Brown sugar baby with your legs spread wide you ain't dragging me down, all right

---

It's getting dark. The headlights on the cars look like eyes. Animals, the
way they crawl the streets, some aggressive, some gentle and docile. It gives
you a feeling of being in a forest with different animals scuttling around. Too
bad I can't see the sunset from here. But I can hardly climb out on the roof of
the train. Wouldn't do me much good anyway - too many trees and high risers. I
should climb onto that building by the river. That'd be cool.
The sun
reflecting in the water, thousands of shades of liquid gold, sparkling and
exploding when a fish jumps. Tranquil hellfire, violently relaxing. The sun,
bleeding, dying, it's blood running into the sky like watercolors in the rain.
The night slaughtering the day. A battle fought every night with the same
result. What'll I do tonight ? It's early. I'll get some food at Mc D's
and head home. Let's see what happens.
- came home round midnight got stoned
and went straight to bed.

Sleep is merciful - reality break

.

Off we go again. Another day - more work. I hope I can save up enough money
to get my van running again. Enough streetcars and too many hours spent waiting
for them in the rain.





My little Angel I sent you away. It was the right thing to do. But I still
miss you, still urge to touch you. You're a spoiled little brat used to having
your way and I'm a no-cash Rock and roller always dancing on the edge. It
could've never worked out. Too fucking bad. Now there's just an empty frame
where your picture used to be. I took it out, but for some reason I haven't put
it away. Where you used to smile at me I see only a dim reflection of myself
against the black background Emptiness. For how long ? When will a new picture
fill that blank space in my life ? I hope soon. I'm afraid of being alone. Night
after night going to bed, knowing there will be none there. But I will survive.
I always have and hopefully I always will. You never could live up to my needs
anyway. - I couldn't expect you to. I just hope I can resist in case you try to
get me back. Last time I couldn't...
But I am stronger now; and more self
reliant. Good luck baby. Call me when you grow up.

---

Lord,Stop the
rain

Lord, stop the rain
     please Lord, stop the pain
     take it away,
can't take it no more
     will drown if it continues to pour
     To many hours
spent alone in the rain
     to many memories drive me insane
     to many shadows and to many smiles
     gotta get away for a little while
     To many nights with nobody there
     to many voices claiming they care
     to many stories,
 to many lies
 Only the rain
 hides these tears I cry

---

Can't really collect my thoughts. It's too friggin´' early ! I just wasn't
meant to function before noon.( Or actually sunset ! ) But what the fuck. I need
the money, right ?- Right.
Interesting what people do on a Straßenbahn. Some
read newspapers, some women are talking about shopping. Students buried in books
about business management or cardiovascular treatments. And some just stare out
the window. Not looking, just staring. Eyes out of focus, not really seeing
anything just shapes and colors washing by. Then you have the kind that observes
others with a look on their face any judge would be proud of. I think Hitler had
that kind of look in is eyes when he talked about Jews. Why do people always
pass judgment on you before they've even talked to you or heard you talk ? Real
shallow, guys!
What is it with teenage girls . They're attractive in a way I can't put my
finger on. Innocent, naive maybe. Maybe the subconscious hope that they can
still be easily impressed. - pushovers, eh ? BS! and you know it, too. The way
they talk about men, or better yet, boys, is funny. The shit they go for; far
out, bro. To quote the dude with the ears : "Quite fascinating , captain." But
I've had enough of that pushing and shoving, explaining and understanding. I
hate to have to wait up for her to catch up to me.
-I wonder if Lonnie remembers our candlelight dinner tonight. Lately I've
been forgotten and stood up unusually often. Starting with the French fries at
Mc D's going all the way to my X not showing. It's great outside. A beautiful
sunny spring day. I feel so good I've been saying good morning to anything that
moved. The local fire department is setting up the 'may-tree '. That's a 75 foot
pole with ornaments on it. It means spring is here ! Officially, too ! Now
that's what I call good news to start off the day.
Well, I'm back in the
train again, on my way to work. Hi Ho, hi ho, motherfucker ! An interesting
woman is sitting behind me. Intriguing to say the least.

Silence, mental blackness. It's scary - braindead, right ?

Wouldn't you know it - Lonnie forgot ! As if I hadn't known it all along.
Shit I've been had once to many. I shouldn't trust women from now on.
Lately
I've been working my ass off - for what ?- A handful of paper with pictures on
it. Sounds weird, don't it ? But somehow I'll have to get some money to fix my
van and get it going again.
Dad's in the Hospital. He had an asthma attack.
Mom's out of the hospital. She survived another Heart-attack. Some people just
won't die. But it always seems to be the wrong ones, though. I really hope my
dad outlives my mom. He deserves a little freedom. He should be allowed to enjoy
life a little bit. After working all his life for his wife and family it's high
time for himself. If I ever find out who made the rules of life I'd like to have
a serious talk with him or her. Life ain't fair ! But then, who ever said it was
?
The only way to win at a card game with marked cards is to learn the
markings and cheat back !Beat the system, right ?Well I'm trying. But what can a
man believe in when life itself keeps stabbing you in the back ? Is there really
nothing and none you can trust ? All I can do is treat everyone fair and hope
that good repays itself. But will it ? Or will I one day wake up to realize it
was all in vain ? That I should have played the dirty game of life without
respect for other people. Should I do to them as they do to me, even if I know
it's wrong ? Should I hurt others for my personal gain ? I sure as hell hope
not. That way I might become rich and successful, but would I be content and
happy ? Who am I kidding, I'm not content now. But hopefully on of these days I
will be.

"... Give me something to believe in..."

At least I have
a clear conscience and that should be worth something, shouldn't it ? Maybe,
someday.
What about love ? I've never truly loved a woman I've been together
with. The only true unselfish love I've experienced was for a woman I'd never
get. And I'd known it from the first day I Met her. Will true love always be in
vain ? Will it bring me nothing but pain ? Where is she ? Where is the woman
that loves me for what I am. That sees below the surface and into the depth of
my soul. She's bound to be out there somewhere. But will we ever find each other
? Sometimes I catch myself contemplating suicide. But then I realize that my
life is a form of suicide:- Slow, sweet suicide -But everybody dies, right ?! I
don't think I'll get very old. It runs in the family. My Dad's side of the
family was wiped out by cancer and my Mom's side isn't x-actly famous for long
life either. But what the hell, when my time comes, let it come. The only thing
I ask is that I may die without regrets about my life. If I died now it might be
O.K. But what will be 10 or 20 years from now ? Will I still have enough
willpower to stay loyal to my beliefs ? Will I still be strong enough to fight
the world for what I believe is right ? We will see, won't we.
If I had
another chance at life - would I change anything? A few things perhaps. I
would've done some things earlier. But basically I'd do it all over again. I am
my life, my life is me. That's all folks.

God, what an evening !

Last night was one of those nights...I let go and
just drifted through the night like Tumbleweed. It was good. Lots of people ,
lots of faces, lots of names and lots of beers. I'm not even gonna try to count
the joints. Strange people, interesting people straight across the scope of
class and age.
People high on coke trying to tell me how cool they are and
that they're rock and rollers in their hearts. But they were so busy running
their mouth, they didn't even notice when they were contradicting themselves.

Then there where the old drunks sitting next to me and clenching their beer,
telling me how cool I am and how they really dig my kind. Then of course you
have the ones asking me if I wasn't ashamed running around the way I do, if I
didn't want to become a successful, respected member of society. I said sure, if
society will respect me the way I am and for what I am ! And if they won't Fuck
'em. He fell silent after that one.
Silence is mercy It's a blanket
you can throw over yourself and hide from the world. It's also scary because you
might loose yourself under that blanket and forget how to get out. Then you'll
need someone to remove the blanket for you..
You know, sometimes I wonder...
I keep telling people that I don't care
what others think about me. But that's not really true, is it ? In a way I'm
always trying to impress somebody. Even if it's only myself. But some things
about me are just the way they are; and to alter them would severely endanger my
personality. But basically I think my personality is O.K. Weird, strange and
incomprehensible, yes, maybe, but not bad. I may offend some people with the way
I look, act or speak, but then again I like to make waves in shallow water. I'm,
not out to hurt anyone, I just put my finger on old wounds they forgot even
existed. Of course sometimes I consider my efforts to have been successful. If
someone gets to know me and learns to see beyond the surface of appearance to
take me the way I am. I guess I am the light you switch on in the morning to
discover who lies next to you. Good or bad, you can't blame the light. But
everybody does...Blame the light of truth.
I went to see the Doors - movie. Fucking incredible ! I learned what it means
to be yourself. How much energy there is buried deep within us, waiting to be
released by the will to live your dreams. I've expanded the horizon of my poetic
scope. But I've also seen the limits through a poet-brothers eyes.
Dreams
are pure energy. Our soul can channel that force like a sail capable of catching
the wind. The wind - it's so much like my dreams. No origin, no destination.
Just perpetual motion resonating to a force able to build or destroy.
Dream-warhead at my command. Legions of shadows waiting for my orders.

---

Master of
Dreams

I am the master of dreams.
My soul's eyes see more than those in my head.
Scenes of fear, scenes of tears,
scenes of violence and passion,
scenes of bewilderment and lust,
scenes buried in the abyss of the look in your eye.
Your eyes cannot lie to mine .
They must speak. They tell a tale of experience.
 The twilight world, home to the seeing
Neither day nor night,
 neither black nor white
The truth lies in-between,
devided into good and bad
depending on the time of day.
But in the twilight colors fade

the shade of truth is gray.
in dusk and dawn horizons unfold
,
unveiling tomorrow now,
telling tales to date untold
more intense than
laws allow.

---

Thrones are lonely places. Isolated from fear and passion, you get enslaved
by them.

The conflict of master and slave united.

The world is
violent. It seems to be a fact. Why ? From shootings to revolutions to floods.
Violent death is omnipresent. Death is natural, yes, but violent death ? What
drives man to kill, when life will do it on it's own? Is the only way to achieve
anything really plastered with blood and pain ? Why ?
If there is a god or
some form of superior intelligence that created this world, why is it trying to
destroy it ? Great role model ! Anyone who believes in such a violent god must
become violent or perish...
I will not give in. I believe in goodness - and
probably I will die for that belief sooner or later, one way or the other. After
all - what else can I believe in, if not my own judgment ? If this world doesn't
need me the way I am, it might as well get rid of me. But I won't give up. Love,
peace and tolerance is all I strive for. So look out world I'm here. Kill me if
you will, but you'll never win. Good night.



It seems we spend a lot of time waiting. Waiting for someone or something.
Patience is a virtue. But can I afford it ? I guess it's up to me to make use of
the time I spend waiting. The thing with time is you never know how much you
have to spend. Kind of like a credit card. Except you don't get a monthly
balance.

---

a bag of weed and a couple of trips 

We call it breakfast on the road 

breakfast on the road, my friend

---

Sometimes.

.
Sometimes we are blind

blind as the bats in the midnight sky

 Sometimes we are scared

scared as a child that starts to cry

 sometimes we are strong

strong as a rock fighting the rain

 Sometimes we are wrong

wrong as an action that will cause pain

 Sometimes we are tired

 sometimes awake

 Sometimes we are honest

sometimes fake

 Sometimes we are the ocean

sometimes the lake

Sometimes we love

But always do we need Love .

---

The World does change when regarded through the tinted shades of drugs. Not
just subjectly, but directly. Through the image you project, that reflects off
the moods of others you generate your environment. Imagine the power !
You
are the director of the movie and the star. Hollywood would call it total
creative control. I call the movie "LIFE" !






I need a fix, woman you're my drug
I need a kiss, I need a hug

What you see ain't all you're gonna get
Here comes a night you'll never
forget
Let go and ride the storm
Step closer to my fire it'll keep you
warm
Gotta let go to ride the storm

so let go.




It's nice outside. The setting sun gives the world a golden tint. Everything
appears so precious. It's true beauty exposed. The day dies in a golden blaze of
glory. Then the night begins it's reign. It hides the static sights. Only where
there is life you may see. But therefor life is more intense. Nothing else
matters. Life rules. Until morning when the sun reveals the dead.





It's raining
in the streets

the world reflects my moods

the sun is hidden from our eyes

simply can't break through

But somewhere just beyond the clouds

it's golden glory shines

If we could only see that far

we'd truly be divine.


My heart is a puzzle with a single piece missing. And the painful reality is:
That piece is you.
Someone else is trying to fit you in. But it won't quite
fit. That pressure causes discomfort and pain. But since you urge for a feeling
of belonging, you don't realize it. But when you do, I'll be there for you.
Because my heart is a puzzle and you're the missing piece. If you try to
complete the puzzle you will find a perfect match. I love you. Good luck.
My birthday is on Monday. We're going camping over the weekend. Booze, drugs
- a party. But that isn't the most important thing. Lonnie is coming too.
Hopefully I'll be able to spend some time alone with her. Give her a chance to
get to know me beyond the clouds. To see the true me. There's more than meets
the eye.

The future comes slowly
the past fades to quick
tomorrow's forever

yesterday makes me sick
today is the magic
we can posses
today
is our lover
we should caress
I love the wind
'coz it's blowing so
free
I hate the wind
because it's not me

One of these Days

One of these days this world shall know

It shall open its eyes and realize where it has failed.

It will see its own blindness

It will feel its own pain

It will breathe its own poison

It will drown in its rain.

---

Come on and love me
who knows if we'll see the light of day
come
on and hold me
don't let the hours slip away
reach out and touch me

before my skin decays
come on and love me
before the night has
turned to day


Here I am going on 23 and what are my goals in Life ? - to be a rock star ?
Not very realistic, bro. .- to be happy? Sure, but how ?
Isn't it about time
I got things into focus ? But then again, who the hell knows what tomorrow might
bring. How can I make plans when I don't know what I'm up against. All I know is
Rock and Roll. Yeah, bro. ! Sold my soul to rock and roll. And it's a one way
street. I can't turn back. Better than a dead end street anyday. But who knows,
around the next corner I might find that dead end. But if I do, I'll deal with
it when I get there. Until then I keep on going one step at a time. I will
survive.
But on my own ? What about love ? So far it's always been painful.
Is there no unselfish love for me in this world ? Am I doomed to walk alone
through this maze called life? Or is it just a test of my endurance ? So many
unanswered questions. So many mysteries. Far too many what-ifs and why's and
when's .But I must believe in myself. What else do I have to believe in ? If
there is such a thing as reincarnation, then I must have been a real asshole in
my last life. But this time around I'm a much better person with much less
success. But that's life, bro. !
Don't I deserve a break once in a while ?
Yeah, sure pal. But you won't get it ! HA, HA !

Life's a bitch and then you die
So fuck the world and let's get
high!

We're all on a one way highway to the grave. And we're all gonna arrive -
sooner or later. Because there's no brakes and looking for latter would be a
waste or precious time. Even the rich and successful die someday. I just don't
wanna die lonely. Is that too much to ask ?

"...your conscience is all
you can take to your grave..."

---

My armor's made of leather

 my spirit's made of rock

my soul is made of eagles' wings

defying every lock

Mine eyes have seen the sorrow

hidden deep inside

 My hands have begged and borrowed

 Just to stay alive

 FOR I AM A REBEL

WITH A DREAMER'S HEART AND A POETS EYES.

---

Hungry

Hungry for laughter

we stalk the midnight streets

racing around corners

the unknown is what we'll meet

Tired of begging for our share


we are taking what we need

sick of the small talk

fighting a foe we cannot beat

Turn off the light

come see our kingdom

turn on the night

come feel the freedom



The only way to become immortal is to sell your soul. One way or the other.
You've got to give up the rights to yourself and open yourself to the world. Be
you a politician, actor, musician or author. Your privacy is gone - traded for
immortality. Some try to achieve it by selling their soul to a god, devil or
demon. I've sold mine to rock and roll !
AMEN !
Sometimes things have a way of surprising you. But only if you trust life and
don't worry. Then, if you don't plan ahead, all will occur to fulfill your
needs. Trust the current of night life, trust the pulse of the night. It will
drive you beyond your wildest dreams. The anticipating may wait forever, but the
free will live... -
- Shut up, you're screaming.-She'll hear us." So what the fuck , who cares
!?"That little voice inside gets pretty loud from time to time. But that's
life. That little voice with the sideshow keeps me on the edge, it pushes
me onwards and beyond. And besides, you don't even know her. And she sure
as hell doesn't know you!

We're Camping !

Loaded 5 cars with people booze and drugs and rolled out.
We abandoned one car with a blown head gasket halfway through, changed a flat
and push started the car I was driving at least a zillion times. We got totally
stoned, met hometown bikers on the side of the autobahn and made it there
nonetheless. We got there, settled down - and got wasted. We almost died
laughing.

This is life ! I'm sitting in the woods on the side of a mossy
hill. In the valley below me - the camp. AC/DC echoing up here. "Love hungry man
" I'm melting into the song. For a brief moment it's all there is. Nothing else
exists. Then laughter and pieces of conversations pop up. I'm back in the real
world. Dry leaves and soft damp moss make a good seat. At the moment time is
meaningless. We are free. Free to eat, sleep, drink and get high whenever we
please. Lots of laughter, lots of smoking and a lot of the usual campfire
scenes: Who's gonna end up in who's tent. Someone playing guitar doing old Bob
Dylan and Jimmy Hendrix stuff. And me, holding a half gallon of JD. Well, it was
a half-gallon-bottle, but it's only about a quarter full by now. So here I am
singing along, miles off key and loving every fucking minute of it. I must have
sounded like faulty chainsaw in desperate need of a lube job, but what the hell,
it's only rock and roll.
Around me the woods come to life. Wild hamsters and
squirrels hustling through the leaves, checking me out like children, poking
their heads out to see if and how I respond. Kinda cute. There's somekind of
plant that literally rolls up for the night, and they're just unrolling. Every
time I Look they've unfolded further, but when you watch them you can't see them
move. I guess if you filmed them super close up in slo-mo and sped up the film
afterwards, you'd have yourself a great B-movie Mutant-monster classic.

Shit, wouldn't you just know it, my leg is falling asleep. I fucking hate
that. I think it's time for a drink. Let's head back down the hill to see what's
up...
I just split a hit a acid with Lonnie. Dropped it about 15 to 20
minutes ago. I am now waiting for things to focus. Objects dissolve into
colorful patterns. I might be imagining this, but I can feel the chemical
working it's way from my stomach to my blood stream. I wonder how Lonnie is
doing. I can't quite figure her out. But who knows...
I believe I actually
love her in some way. Her pure simple beauty, the honesty in her smile and the
sparkle in her eyes. It's magic. That deep warm look, that can melt its way into
your soul. You don't dare to look too long or you might fall in and never come
out. The sun is caressing her skin and the wind is playing with her hair. Is
this love or something else ? I know it's not just animal lust as usual. I don't
primarily want to have sex. I'm more like a junkie. I just wanna touch her, be
near her just to make the pain disappear. Is that some kind of love ?
Life is complicated. Things have a way of twisting every time you try to get
a hold on them - like soap in a bathtub.
I have this incredible urge to throw these pages into the campfire, just to
see my life, my love and everything I believe in go up in flames. The
temptation, the importance these pages have to me. They truly hold my soul. My
inner self. The truth about yours truly, in black and white. And it would be so
easy, just a flick of the wrist and it would be all over.
Well, I'm back home now. I'm home alone and finishing the rest of the JD left
over from last night. What a way to spend your birthday. It started off OK. I
lit a huge joint at Midnight and everybody around the campfire sang Happy
Birthday. The camp supervisor gave me a bottle of Champagne ( 8.95 a bottle )
and a pineapple. And that was that.
Teddy overslept midnight. So at about 12.30 we went to his tent, tied him to
the cot with a length of kite-rope and carried him down to the campfire. We
dropped him twice, but he didn't wake up until we were more than halfway down.
Then he fucked up the show by playing along.
This morning we broke camp. We
must have cleared out at least a zillion empty bottles. Some hikers that came by
couldn't believe their eyes. Obviously it took forever to get out of there.
After I drove everybody home I took a shower and now I'm sitting here drinking
alone. My eyes keep popping' over towards the phone, but none calls. I almost
feel like crying.
But at least Jack is here with me. " Down yours and up
theirs !" -
I just finished Jim Carols Basketball diaries. Good book, but nothing new for
me. He confirms what I already know. I understand his world. I've tasted it
myself. Not to the extent that he did, but enough to know. He is undoubtedly
wise. But that doesn't stop him from running wide-eyed into a dead end street
just because it's there. Like him I'm hooked on living, hooked on the
out-of-the-ordinary experience waiting somewhere in the dark. Once you've seen
the back of a movie set it looses its magic. Once you've seen the dark side of
life, you understand. And once you understand something, it gets boring.
"
Let's go beyond. Let's see what happens if we knock things out of balance.
Alligators or not, let's rock the boat." But even all the wisdom in the world
isn't enough to write a "How to..." book on life. But you sure as hell can write
a " How not to.." manual.
Life is a school of trial and error. You can't put
down what you haven't tried. What always amazes me is that people like nothing
more than to do just that. They love to prohibit and condemn things they know
nothing about. And what scares me even more is that these people make the rules
! Who gave them the right to rule my life. I sure as hell didn't. And I'm not
going to let them either.
I'm on my way downtown.
Peter called me from work and we agreed to meet. He's doing his civil service
at the moment. Working at a drug councilor's office. Of all places ! I wonder
if he has any acid. I love acid. It's the most satisfying drug I know. And
believe me I know a few. But LSD is my all time favorite. On trip you get
an out of sight perspective on things. I personally feel that the only way
to see the true beauty of things, that usually escape your vision, is being
on acid. It doesn't limit vision to what my eyes may see. I can feel the world
around me. So intense, so colorful and so interesting. Ask any movie-director,
he'll tell you that lighting and camera-angels make all the difference. Acid
is the same way. It just gives you a few extra lights and a few fx-lenses.
I can't wait 'till summer. I'm getting sick and tired of being cold. Also I
have a weakness for girls in short skirts. Nothing enhances the beauty of a
woman's body as much as a miniskirt and heels. Wow. I'd better break off that
line of thought before I get too horny. I might try to get laid today if the
chance pops up. After all, spring is hunting season and I haven't gotten laid in
a while.
Well, what did I tell you. I fucked Alex today. She was my X's best friend.
It wasn't very good though. I went through the usual moves, but I wanted to get
it over with as fast as possible, before she turned me off. The whole thing was
more like something I'd once planned to do and I did it just because I had
nothing better to do...
Leaving something or someone behind is always painful. No matter what you do
- the pain prevails. But only with the pain fond memories remain. And those will
endure forever. As long as a memory stays alive, the pain and agony may not
survive. So don't be afraid to let go, it's the only way to hold on.






How can I tell you that I love you
when I can't even ask you your name

How can I even approach you
when I don't know the rules of the game

How can I look at you
when I'm afraid to drown in your eyes
How can
I hold you
When you're as distant as a star in the sky
How can I win
your Heart
when it's held by another
how can I live

When I want you and no other

---

Hello Moon

You will find I'm home again 

Out on a roll for days on end 

nothing bought but eons spent 

Cause death now may come just anyday 

I leave my mark before I fade away 

Time goes by with lightning stride 

For those who do not dare to ride 

Let us mount the winds of life 

No need to ask if we'll arrive 

Because I'm too busy living to be staying alive...

---

When I look ahead I only see death 

it's the only certain destiny 

But today I see Life, Love, Knowledge 

Now can be altered, yesterday's fixed 

and tomorrow is still to far to be reached

---

SUNSHINE

gently touch my skin 

Insanity comes creeping up 

as we enjoy the sin 

May time pass slowly 

in a dreamers heart 

waiting for the gypsy 

to deal the final card 

The summer day shall spark my dreams 

setting them ablaze 

My soul can see more clearly now 

with my brain in purple haze 

On the borderline of sanity 

the snake performs its dance 

as daylight dies in bloody colors 

we shall see our chance 

a chance that comes but once in time 

let us lead the blind 

For our souls are cursed with sight 

beyond the secret shrine

---

It's actually pretty amazing how strange and alien the world seems at
sunrise. I guess it must be around 4.30 a.m. and I'm sitting on the
"Neckarwiese" watching Heidelberg awaken. It's a trip. Trust me, it really is.
The twilight enchanting the world. Birds cry alone at first but their numbers
grow by the second. It's nature's orchestra tuning up.
Then the first rays
on sunlight sneak up through the purple halo of the mountains. Only to meet the
water, who's gentle waves turn into a ballet of light. The town stirs in its
morning bed. The first come out to meet the day. Not of their own free will of
course, but work or the family dog tear them from their dreams. But I am alive
to witness the wonders of the hour. To marvel at the magic of the moment.

The moon seems sad, for its reign must end as it sinks into the waves.
Slowly the day arrives. It's not here yet, but it's first scouts can be seen.
Except for an occasional car, the birds voices rule the soundtrack of the
present. It's nature's moment of glory and nobody's watching - except me. This
must be what the world would be like without people.

---

THE WIND

I hear the seagulls lonely cry
see molten copper in the sky
I
feel the morning's chilling breath
see the darkness' creeping death

Abandoned still the world may seem
at times like this - in-between

As I'm waiting for the warming sun
The night has come, past and gone

I see you dawning of the day
You shall bring me what you may
My
heartbeat tells me I live on
trapped in a world I don't belong
Like the
wind I do my thing
just was there, now I'm gone again.

---

It seems that I have a curse on me, when it comes to falling in love. For
me Love seems to be in vain. I've never known it any other way. Andrea,
the girl I wrote a song for, is beyond my reach, I was told. I should forget
it, they say. I wouldn't stand a chance against her boyfriend of four years.
Go ahead, stab me, see if I care. You might be doing me a favor.

I am falling into the skies 

I am drowning in your smiling eyes 

and I'm in Love 

I'm not good at talking 

the words all come out wrong 

you took my breath away 

but my heart speaks with a song 

When I see you face to face 

My mind goes paper-white 

You fill out my inner space 

only angels smile so bright

It was a long night today. At about one a.m. in the club, my singer walks up
to me and says: " The guys are picking us up at three. We got band practice."
Now grab us at three a.m. on a Friday night and put us into a practice room (
you might have to carry us though ) and what you get is the dirtiest, stoniest
miscarriage of rock and roll. Andy is too drunk to tune his guitar, the singer
is desperately clinging to his mike-stand and I must have broken 5 pairs of
sticks. It's hell. But then "Hell ain't a bad place to be ..."
I haven't been in much of a mood for writing these last few days. I would've
had plenty of time because I was sick and in bed all week. But watching videos
all day dulls you severely. Pilar's birthday-party on Monday was good. Great
food, great shit and lot's of laughs. But around 2 a.m. the fever hit me. I've
been sick ever since. I couldn't even go to the airport with Trent to pick up
Sarah. My Mom called me constantly for the last three days. It seems my brother
disappeared last weekend and she hadn't heard from him since. So I had to track
him down. He'd been arrested by the MP's for being involved in some fighting. At
least that's what he told me. With a little luck we'll be going to A'dam
tonight. That should be cool if it actually happens. Well, my bro called me back
to tell me that we're going. My dad called and wanted to know about my Mom's
boyfriend. Not much I could tell him, though, but he wanted to know
nevertheless. He's slowly turning into a bitter, old man. I feel sorry for him.
He's been a workaholic all of his life and my mother took advantage of him
wherever she could.
I'm just watching a special on TV. We got everybody from Paul McCartney
through Bryan Adams, Tina Turner, Phil Collins, Sting, Elton John to Marc
Knopfler playing together. And in the audience the British shirt and tie stiffs
try to rock and roll. It seems to me that R n´R musicians always tried to teach
their audiences to loosen up. And the looser someone is the more society tries
to suffocate him. It must be jealousy. But they don't understand a word. Instead
of living their own life the way they'd like to, they either crown or crucify
those who do. They are like children, who need to be told what to do. I just
pray that I'll never end up that way...
It's shortly passed midnight. We haven't reached A'dam yet. We're in Venlo,
the border town, in a coffee shop getting stoned. After speeding' here, doing an
average of 140 Km/h, that first J of weed was right on the spot. Don't you just
love life, bro. ? Sometimes... In situations like this- always. Hail Holland.

Still in the coffee shop. Cottonmouth city on a Mainline express, my man.
This place stays open 'till two. I have no idea what time it is now, but it
seems it's still quite a ways 'till two. I'm stoned off my ass, grooving along
with the black dance music playing. There's a lot of cool grooves in Rap. And
when they throw in an electric guitar, which they do now and then, the shit is
really cooking'! I wonder how this trip will end.
It's five a.m. and we're
parked in A'dam. Everybody's asleep. Except for yours truly, of course. I did
the driving. So Everybody's out cold as I watch the day shake off the night and
come to life. Colors return. The black and white movie called "Night" is over
and the age of color TV begins.
Big date today. I'm going to see Andrea and take
her to the movies. It will be the first time we'll be alone. Maybe we'll finally
get a chance to get to know each other. I feel like a little boy, nervous
and all. I'll probably make a total fool of myself, but what the fuck, I'll
have to go for it. It's all or nothing. If I don't try, I might never forgive
myself for missing this opportunity. I guess I'm in love. Wow ! What a trip.
She's so perfect. Too perfect to be true. That's what worries me. I'm waiting
for something to screw up. Or is this the break I've been waiting for ? Let's
hope so. It's about time. Writing a song for her and giving it to her, before
we even spoke a single word, apparently was the right thing to do. After just
smiling at her for weeks every Wednesday at the Schwimbad-Club, I just had
to do something. Shit, my heartbeat sounds like the drum track off the last
Slayer album and the speed my hand is shaking at would make me a damn fast
guitar player if I knew more than 4 chords. God, please let this work out
!

Holy shit, I think I'm in Love... What a feeling.

She's confusing as shit. Every time I think I know what I'm up against, she
pulls some kind of move that throws me off again. So far off that I don't
know where the fuck I am and what the hell I'm doing here. All I know is that
I love the lady!
Andrea is still a riddle to me. She's beyond my understanding. But still, I think I've made a tiny bit of progress today. She said she needed some time to breathe. I'll gladly give it to her. She's well worth the investment. I'll have to suppress this urge I have to see her, touch her, to hold her, to draw her to me and become one with her. But in my dreams she is mine and we are one.
Good night, sweet dreams my love.


Sometimes I don't dare to close my eyes. She is waiting for me there. We walk
hand in hand through the kingdom of shadows, lay side by side in the darkness.
But when I open my eyes again, I'm still alone. But, hopefully, not for long. I
saw her again last night at Schwimmbad club. I actually managed to make
conversation. Small talk, even. In my current situation that could definitively
be counted as progress. It should speed up things a little. I wonder if she
would come along if we went to this party in Venlo tonight. I'd buy her way. I
know I shouldn't spend my money like that, but there's certain priorities in
life!
I must be a coward, coz I can't tell you how I feel I really need to touch
you, but I don't dare. Is it really that hard to say " I love you " ? Only if
you mean it, bro. And boy, do I ever mean it. That's why it's so hard. I've got
to much to loose. Wait a sec, how can I loose something I don't even have ?
Well, if you need something bad enough, you're scared shitless of not getting
it. And I need Andrea. I love her. Every night when I close my eyes she is
there. She is the Queen of my dreams. But I'm getting tired of this cat- and
Mouse game. Those unspoken words are eating me up. I've got to tell her before
I'm emotionally crippled.
I think I'm dreaming.
I woke up this morning with her by my side, holding
her close under the open sky. If it was a dream, Lord, may I never awaken. I'm
in seventh heaven. She is everything I dreamed she would be.... and more. I
sincerely hope I can make this work. She's everything I've ever wanted in a
woman: She's intelligent, beautiful creative and spontaneous. She's perfect to
me, and I love her. I can still feel the electricity from where she touched me.
My heart beats faster from the memory of her embrace. I'd gladly give my life
for her.
Es is jetzt ca. 7.00 und wir sind unterwegs nach Heilbronn .Ich vermisse dich
schon jetzt. Wenn Ich die Augen schliesse, seh' ich dein Lachen. Obwohl wir uns
die nächsten tage nicht sehen werden, habe ich nicht das Gefühl, alleine zu
sein. Du bist bei mir. Ich muss dir unbedingt sagen, daß ich dich liebe. Wenn
ich es nicht bald ausspreche, dreh' ich durch. Vielleicht komme ich dazu, dich
anzurufen. Ich liebe dich. Bis dann... Chris.
We've made love, and it was great. I can't remember ever feeling so good in
the morning. Having her beside me when I wake up is the ultimate high. Her soft
touch and her tender smile leave me breathless. The color of her hair in
candlelight; the way it seems to be liquid gold, gently cascading down to her
shoulders; her warm, soft skin wrapped around me so close I can feel her
heartbeat. I love her. But she says she won't buy it. Everytime I tell her, she
tells me she doesn't. Maybe she's just afraid to tell me. Maybe she needs some
time to learn to trust me. But she will learn. Because I deserve her trust. I
couldn't abuse it, even if I tried.
I still can't figure her out. So many questions I'd like to ask, but I don't
know how to phrase them. I don't even know what it is that I want to know. It's
like talking to a foreigner. You can't communicate until you've learned the
language. She is so different...But that makes her so much like me. For the
first time in my life I feel like I'm too normal. I'm not the far-out freak that
I normally am. She is.
She is like an ancient temple: full of surprises,
pitfalls, boobietraps, artifacts and somewhere, beyond sight, a hidden treasure.
Yeah, bro., call me Indiana Jones...

What a night !!!What a trip !!!

We totaled Krischl's car...And walked away
without a scratch!


The sunrise lost in morning mist


you know we have too much on nights like this

We where flying too high
way up on a hill

Hightailed it down just to give us a thrill

We took one
step over the edge

Stood up and walked away

It was one step too much
over the edge

laughed it off and walked away

We took two turns the third
took us off the road

been going way too fast, coming down cold

Just
waiting for the crash it was bound to come

We're gonna take it on if we
can't run

We took one step over the edge

Stood up and walked away

It
was one step to much over the edge

laughed it off and walked
away

---

On the
hook

Just beyond my fingertips
barely out of reach
the back door
leads to paradise

that is where we'll meet
There is no lock to open it

even if we had a key

But I know we've got what it takes

I can feel
it (deep) inside of me

One taste of you was all it took

mainline golden
shot

I closed my eyes and realized

I was on the hook

Time has passed. Things have changed. For the better though. Andrea and I are
one. I thank whoever or whatever is responsible for this. The riddle is slowly
dissolving. She is letting me in. Not much, but more and more every day. The
more I know her the more I love her. She is confused, but I think I am helping
her.

Hell froze over in the heat of the night

you and me baby, it sure
feels right

Hell froze over in the heat of the night

the devil seems a
wimp with you by my side

I just woke up in my Hotel room. I never wake up this early, 'cept when I'm
on the road. And I'm just not used to waking up alone anymore. I miss her. But I
got a job to do and she's on vacation. But I don't feel alone She's with me. I
can feel her in my heart...And I'm grateful.
It's about four in the morning. I just got back to my room. I saw a lot of
lousy bands today, but only 2 or 3 good ones. I have a slight buzz going. I was
tempted by a few chicks today, but I shook it off by looking at Andrea's
Photograph. They just couldn't match up to her. It's handy to have a picture
like that. It makes it easy to stay loyal. It seems to me, my woman is the best
of 'em all. She's only been gone five days, but I miss her like hell. When she
gets back I'm gonna reserve at least two days for her and her alone. I guess
you've got to be apart from someone to find out how much you love
her."...don't know what you got 'till it's gone..."
I have a hard time falling asleep without her lying next to me. Good night,
I'll dream of her, hopefully.
I just met Krischl's Girlfriend today. I had a few drinks and a long talk
with her. God, am I stoned ! I bought some stuff downtown HD earlier. Now I'm
sitting at the bus stop writing this. Well, at least I'm trying ...But I have a
hard time keeping my face straight because of two Italian kids sitting next to
me. They're telling jokes, but I don't speak Italian. They're laughing so hard I
can hardly resist the urge to join in.-Well, to get back to Krischl and his old
lady:
He's so much like me. Our souls are brothers. Not only brothers, but
twins. Our souls must have been Siamese brothers in an earlier life. Siamese
Soultwins I like the way that sounds.

Siamese Soultwins, brothers at heart

Siamese Soultwins, cant tear us
apart

Now you see, my friend and me

We are so much alike

In the way
we feel and think,

the way we hold our drink,

the way we treat our women
at night.

Coz we have twin souls

they came from a whole,

Siamese
brothers in a life gone by.

When it comes to love, time is meaningless. Don't ask me to elaborate on it
at this point.
I went to see my folks today. They had shitloads of things they wanted me to
do. So I went ahead and did them. But that's not why I'm writing this. I found
out today that my Dad only has a few more months to live. I had figured that
much on my own, but to hear it from a doctor drilled it into my awareness. I'd
gotten used to the thought he'd only have a few more years to go, but things are
much worse. His condition is too fucking bad for him to last. The Doc said a few
months was tops, providing all goes well. He's become a bitter old man lately.
He feels so alone, I can sense that. And he's paranoid. If I ever turn out that
way I sincerely hope somebody puts a bullet through my head or gives me an OD. !

I love my father, I think it's safe to say that he made me what I am today. He taught me most of what I know and I'm tremendously grateful for that. I just hate to see him this way. I wish there was something I could do for him. But all I can do is give him all the moral support I can. I want him to know I'm there for him, like he was there for me all these years. He was a good father, not perfect, but who the fuck ever was ?
He worked his ass off for his family, and what did it get him ? But I know part of him will live on with me. We are so much alike.
I just wish Andrea was here know. I don't know if I can face the night alone. I'm scared. I need someone to hold me when I wake up from my Nightmares.
To softly calm me down and kiss away my fears. But I couldn't reach her, she's off someplace at some party.

("Without you, bro ? Smells foul, don't it ?")
I guess I'll have to get by on my own tonight. Wish me luck, bro.

Shit, so much has happened since I last wrote anything down. Andrea is gone.
She left me. I felt like an old toy thrown in the garbage. I'm a mess. My head
and my heart are totally haywire. She told me it was over last Monday. That's
exactly a week ago, today. I've kept myself numb all week. I made sure I stayed
totally wasted, so I wouldn't have to think about her too much. Whenever I'm
sober, she is all I can think about. She fills every waking moment of my
existence with pictures of the time we shared and the dreams I'd begun to have.

I can't really believe it's over. And for no apparent reason, either.
Everything had been fine when I last saw her on Thursday. I called her on
Saturday after work, to make plans for the weekend. She informed me that she was
going to a party. And her tone of voice said something like . " I'm going to
this party, but I don't know what you're doing!" That was all we talked about. I
couldn't reach her all weekend, but I had this funny feeling lurking in the back
of my head. When she called me Monday Morning and told me she was coming over, I
knew what was gonna happen.
That was one week ago, as I said before. And I still don't believe it.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep much that day, or anyday since. Actually I'm
afraid of going to sleep, because then I stand defenseless against my nightmares
and dreams. And against reality. I can handle anything except for the reality of
the fact that Andrea has left me. That I will never again hold her as I fall
asleep, that I will never again feel the warm softness of her skin when I wake
up. That I never again will be able to pull her tight to me, kiss her and tell
her I love her. I can handle anything but that. I can handle my father dying
slowly before my very eyes, to see him change into a person so bitter, so
hateful and so full of revenge that it's hard to remember the kind, loving
person he once was.
I can handle anything except loosing her.
If drugs and/or booze made you happy, I've had the happiest week of my life.
Funny, I feel like shit. But I knew what I was doing. I was consciously keeping
myself under a haze to slow down the impact of reality. To give me time to get
used to the fact.
Well, I guess it was partly a success. I've realized that it's over, but I've
also realized I don't want it to be over. And now my dilemma is: what am I
gonna do about it? Or is there anything I can do? I'll have to talk to her
about it. But can I keep thinking straight when I stand face to face with
her? Can I stop myself from thinking of how much I need to make love to her
? Can I stop the slide-show running in the back of my head?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find out. When ? Well, Wednesday probably. If
I don't call her beforehand and arrange to meet her somewhere. But I shouldn't go out of the house. I caught a cold or something, Friday Night when I rode to the Dead Anyway Concert on Mad Max.'s Bike. The zipper on my leather Jacket was fucked and I froze my balls off.

DISTRACTION - that's the Magic word here. If you can manage to keep your mind
off of something long enough, you should be able to work it out. At least you get some distance between you and your immediate worries. And that, in turn, gives you a better perspective, sort of an overall view of the situation. Makes sense, don't it ? Yeah, it does, but still it's all a bunch of bull.


And we know it too, don't we ? Andrea seems to know it too. She called me the other day and we talked for at least twenty minutes. She told me a few things that I wouldn't let anyone else tell me. But I've got to admit that she's right. She told me that it's time to break through the crust around
my soul and start to feel again. She noticed that I'm emotionally crippled.
I don't know if she loves me, but I know she at least cares somewhat or she
wouldn't go through the trouble. It's truly incredible. She manages to stay
a riddle to me even after we broke up. But I still love her. That's providing
I ever have loved her. Maybe I'm reading my heart wrong. Andrea said I was
a mental dyslexic. -And she's right again. Yes, brothers and sisters. She
knows me. She understands more than I sometimes would like her to. Well actually
I don't think I mind at all, but I just want her back and until then everything
is just a bit aggravating. Also I've got to quit drowning myself in self-pity.
I never knew that I was doing that until she told me. I took a long look and
- yeah bro., she's right again. I started to act like my old man. And we don't
want that, now do we?
Well, some time has passed since and I've gotten used to the thought of her
being gone. Not that I like it, but I can live with it now. It's November and
I'm back from the CSFR. I toured there with BARFLY for a few days and it was
unbelievable. It truly was a FUCK 'TILL U DROP - TOUR -for everybody but me. I
think I'm the only one who didn't get laid at least once. Some of us managed to
fuck up to five ! different women a day !! Everything was so fucking cheap over
there that we felt like millionaires. And we were treated as if we were Bon Jovi
or something. And we were drunk. I mean we really were drunk for five days
straight. The hotel we stayed in didn't serve breakfast until ten a.m. So if you
got up before then you got yourself a beer ( at 30 pfennings a bottle ) and got
wasted.
Let me try to recall the whole trip.

We met at the Haaf, an old factory where Barfly had their practice-room, on Thursday afternoon at five. We
loaded the equipment and the twenty of us into five cars and drove to Sinsheim,
where we were supposed to meet PIGSTY, the other band that was to tour with us.
We all went into a club called Devils Inn and waited. We played pool, had a few
beers and got stoned. Pigsty still hadn't shown up by eight thirty so we decided
to leave. We convoyed to the border ( With a few stops to piss and puke ) where
we came up to a 10 km traffic jam caused by a trucker strike.
the real party started. Everybody was having a ball, riding on the roofs of
cars, drinking and cracking jokes. We came to the border about Midnight. That's
when the guys from Pigsty caught up with us. Now there was a total of
thirty-five long-haired, drunk rock and rollers waiting to get across. I paid my
last sixty marks for a visa to get across. Our convoy, now a total of ten cars,
rolled through Checkeslowakia and got to the hotel about five a clock. The
guitar player from Pigsty, who was the only one to speak check went into the
hotel to check things out. He came back and told us our rooms wouldn't be free
until about 7 a.m. We played soccer and Frisbee and just basically raised hell
outside the hotel until we ran out of beer. Which was about ten minutes before
they let us in since we had bought a few cases at the first Gas-station after
the border. The hotel was a sight by itself. A large circular building that
looked more like an old fashion steam train-shack than a Hotel. In the middle of
the building there was a large round dining room with a few wooden chairs and
tables. Along the wall where the doors to the rooms. Each room had four to six
simple wooden beds. We slept until about noon and had a breakfast which
consisted of a pair of frankfurters, bread, half an orange, jam, an extremely
pale radish and a cup of instant tea.
Well, to make a long story short...We
named that tour FUCK TILL U DROP TOUR. And it deserved that name. I must have
been the only one who didn't get laid during the time we were there. But I still
had a ball. Basically it was one long party.
 
Well, guess what, I'm back. Back in a streetcar going to a birthday party. I
think it's Saturday. I had almost no sleep for the past two nights. We went to
the OUT and afterwards to the MILK in Mannheim. When that place closed down as
well, two carloads of tripping motherfuckers flooded my apartment and we partied
nonstop until tonight. I'm just feeling the last effects of the acid wearing off
slowly as I get more tired and more unnerved. I practically had to kick everyone
out of my place so I could leave. After being trapped in a three-room apartment
with 10 acid heads for nearly 24 hours ( or was it a week ? ) these are my first
moments alone. I wish I'd brought this notebook with me yesterday. I could have
written down so many great insights during my trip. But now these moments are
gone. Like a dear friend leaving for good. I'm watching the plane take off and
take yesterday with it. I turn my eyes from the departure billboard and start
browsing the arrivals. Yesterday's gone, but tomorrow is approaching and due to
touch down somewhere between now and later. No telling who or what will be on
that flight. Let's wait and see.
Andrea will be at the party tonight
hopefully. If she is - screw that thought - I doubt there is any chance of me
getting her back. But I sure as hell am gonna try. Tomorrow I have to work. I
have to get up somewhere around 9.00 a.m. or so to load the PA and drive to the
show. Same line-up as Thursday. Should be good enough, if these Mixers the other
bands brought along don't screw up again. God where they incompetent. When I
look at the reflection of my face in the train's window, I must admit that I
look like shit. The last few days have left their traces. As usual. But at least
I managed to cop a shower before I split. And the cloths I'm wearing are washed.
But I still look like I slept under a bridge for a week or two. But what the
hell, brothers and sisters, that's me. I always look like that when I get ready
in a hurry. And I was in a hurry tonight. I'll sign off for now. C U later, bro.
It's Sunday morning and I saw Andrea last night. But we didn't speak a word
all night. ( So much for trying, bro!) What is it with that woman ? She's got me
hooked. Even after that cold-cocked breakup I'm still in Love. But you know bro, there's no way. Yeah, I know. Shit, but how do I handle it ?
I made an attempt to save some money today. I was going to take some money from my last job to the bank. But, wouldn't you just know it they were closed. How the hell am I to save up anything if every attempt I make fails so pitifully and by no fault of mine ?
Tomorrow I'll go see my dad. He's back in the hospital and things don't look to good. I've decided to give him PART I of my diary to read. It might shock the hell out of him or it might straighten him out somewhat. But for sure it will teach him helluvalot about me. I'd like to know what goes on in his head. What kind of thoughts do you have when you feel your time running low ? Do you suddenly release all of your " I wish I'd ..."'s or do you just give up ? Do you cling onto aggression and revenge because you feel deep down inside that it's all in vain, that everything you've done was absolutely useless ? Or do you just try to tie up loose ends before taking the curtain? Who the hell knows? My Mom talked me out of letting him read my diary. I let her read it instead. She'll flip. I just know it... But I still wonder what kind of remarks she'll drop when she's done. Will she understand? Will she even try to understand? Or will she just block everything. Will she even read it properly? I can't wait to find out. It should open her eyes somewhat.
It's now 6.30 a.m. and I'm getting stoned in front of the Roadrunner office, waiting for Jack, who's my partner on today's gig. He's got the keys to the truck.
It's raining like shit and the night is still pitch-black. Yeah basically just shitty weather, bro. I got my Dad's car and my brothers "Alice in Chains"-tape in the deck. Rolling time is 7.00 a.m. I hope Jack is on time, so I don't have to go looking for a pay-phone. I fucking hate rain. ( At least when it's this cold). November rain. I'm sitting somewhere backstage somewhere in Frankfurt. A German Country-band is playing. They're boring as shit. The drummer keeps dragging, the singer is slightly off key. And I'm stoned. Thank God for small favors. The Rockabilly-Bebop band that was playing before is coming back on afterwards. They're pretty good. Fun to watch and to listen to. And it's Rock and Roll ! And that always hits the spot. You betcha bro, Rock 'n Roll never fails to pull your old trigger.
I'm just forced to listen to the worst rendition of "Goodhearted Woman " I believe I've ever heard. But what the Fuck. I'll survive...

---

Just a little south of somewhere
running on the end
of the line
rolling into nowhere
on too much whisky and whine

Hardly
more than strangers
helping to pass my time
drinking unknown danger
In a Bar called BORDERLINE

---

I haven't been thinking about Andrea these last few days. Am I actually
getting over her? Or will it hit me again the next time I see her? Of course it
will, fool ! Or did you really think you'd get over her this quick? God, you're
stupid!
I wonder what's going to happen with Linda. Linda is a friend of my
brother's current (or X , I don't really know ) She's a gorgeous red-head with a
great body and a set of legs that go up straight to the sky. And then we've got
Sonja, the chick I spend last weekend with. She's half Mexican, very skinny and
she loves lingerie. I'll betcha she's wild, bro. Yeah, pal, she'll scratch and
scream and everything. So what'll it be, Sir? Make your choice.

---

---

////PART MISSING////

---

---

and as if he'd had a simple childhood. Sometimes these people are the ones
that really flip at a certain point in their lives. Something happens and they
crack. Just like that. They go out and blow away a K-Mart or tear up a
schoolyard with an M-16. And all the world goes :" What made him do it ?" Well,
here's the real grand prize question : " Why did he do it when he did, and not
earlier?"

---

Midnight Wind

I catch myself just walking along

these same old streets I call home

another night in the neon lights

one more time should be all right

Coz I'm flying with the Angels

in the midnight wind

Don't tell me
that you love me

or I might be back again

When I catch myself just
walking along

the same old street and calling it home

I stop-take a deep
breath,

take a quick hard look

And before you've said my name I'm off
the hook

I'll be flying with the angels in the Midnight wind

Chasing
after Sunsets, out to have everything

Can you picture yourself just walking
along

a brand new street without a home

You spent last night with a
brand new lover

tearing up the town, tearing up the covers

But now
you're back on the street, back on your own

So you have a few drinks and you
get stoned

And then ...

you're flying with the angels in the midnight
wind

Chasing after heaven trying out everything.

---

Why don't you come on over to the sunny side of Life
We've got
smiles galore and we've got all night.

Once again I must thank my guardian angel. The night before last I was taking
down the Lighting Rig when then motherfucker came down on top of me. If I'd been
standing an inch further in any direction, you wouldn't be reading this right
now. I ended up with a light on either side of my head. The truss stopped just
before hitting me on the head. That's what you call luck. Or destiny, maybe. I
suppose I was meant for something more. Fuck, I sure hope so.
I'm sitting in Wiesbaden in a combination Pizza and Pool Joint. Its shortly
before show time.-Nothing worth telling.
O.K. Boys and Girls, send home your parents, its Friday night again. I'm off
to find out what's behind those phone numbers I got. I'll tell you about it
later, right now I'm freezing my balls off, waiting for a bus. I'll have a beer
and see what happens.
Well I'm on the streetcar now. I've got a can of beer
jammed between my legs and a plastic shopping bag full of cans on the seat
facing me. Something tells me I'm gonna get really blitzed tonight. "No shit, Sherlock !"

( Have you noticed I'm always on the way somewhere when I write ?)
I suppose that 15 year old Punk-chick will be waiting for me there. ( HA HA Teeny-fucker ! ) You don't really think I'd fuck her ? ( unless she does something to change my mind, like giving tremendous head p.e. ) Well, bro, I guess you got me. Yeah I'd fuck her if she acted right and if I could lose her before going to the OUT.
( I've got three more Lines baited ! )
How can you catch anything with at least four lines out but only one fishing rod ?
( HA HA very funny, pal )
I feel like fucking Bukowsky sitting here drinking and writing. Why do I catch myself thinking like a dirty old man ?
(Why'd you leave a blank space here bro ? You don't really expect to get any more Phone Nos. You got 4 new ones on Wednesday. You've used up your funds and I think it'll be a while before this kind of thing happens again. So make the best of what you got.)
God, I hate it when I give myself advice. For one I'm way to smart to buy some of the bullshit I lay on myself and secondly I don't act accordingly anyway. So, Your Honor, what's the verdict? Aha, guilty as charged.
Sentenced to wait and see. The eternal observer. Hail, Hail Rock and Roll !

" ...Rock and Roll I gave you all the best years of my life..."

A weird old woman-wino just came running through the train asking if anybody was
missing his / her toilet paper. The whole fucking train was giggling. Winos can
be so much fun, when you don't have to be one of them.
I think maybe I should start writing down the dates of my entries. I've noticed
it's hard to reconstruct some of my thoughts, not knowing how much time has
passed. I think it's the 26^th of December today. I've been trying
to reach Louise, but no luck so far.

I've neglected this book lately. Well, lately means since I met Louise.
It's now January 92 and I've been spending a lot of time in bed.
"C'mon bro, be honest, you've been fucking your Brains out !".
Yeah, I guess you could put it that way, haha.
Louise is very unique, she's easy to please and easy to have around. I haven't been going out much these days. I tried a few times, but I got bored quickly and went home early to get laid. What a life. But as usual I'm waiting for things to come.
I'll have to move out of my Apartment by April 1^st.
I've got this feeling things will change severely when I do. I'm not even sure of where I'm going. I suppose I'll have to stay with K.P. and Mad Max for a while. But who knows? These last 1 and ½ years have been cool.
This apartment is cheap but great and I doubt I'll find anything like it again.
I've gotten used to living here and it'll be quite an experience living without the security, comfort and luxury of my own place once again. But maybe that same security and comfort have gotten me lazy. Maybe I've become tame, like some old ladies' Cat. Maybe I need this to take me out to the edge once more before I fall into a rut.
(" If you haven't already, bro !")
Nothing like having your face rubbed in the mud to wake you up. And besides, I write better  poetry when I'm in shit. The deeper the shit, the better the poetry.
(" Yeah, and you shoot yourself for laughs, buddy. Sucker !")

---

It`s my Life!

By the time I was born you had it all figured out
all planned well, my life was all laid out
I was gonna be a lawyer or get an MD.

You didn't bother asking, just kept on telling me
Boy you're way too
smart to be playing Rock and Roll
For your own good, gotta keep
you under control

I didn't know better and I never fought back
I believed what you
were saying, I bought that crap

Then I grew my hair and dropped out of
school
I got me a Life and I got me Tattoos

I might be way too smart to
be playing in a band
But I ain't too dumb to take my Life into my own hands
Coz it's up to me
what I wanna be
go ahead with your plans but don't
wait up for me
Coz I'm way too smart to leave you in control

For my own good I got my ROCK AND ROLL...

........any questions ?

---

Survivors

The monster Hate with giant boots
plowing blindly through the human woods
Slashing, scarring, maiming, growing,
breaking dreams off at the roots

Its breath smells foul as we stand face to face
I am not armed to fight this foe
Yet it will not feed on me,
I am the survivor, I am free

Words escape me, birds of prey,
flying south towards the sea
They drop a feather from their wing
carried by the wind to me.
Divine is the beast that guards the shrine
throughout the velvet voids
Fine the feast of grapes the wine
As we rise from the destroyed

---

---

Those Nights ( by Louise Kelso )
Trying to find the truth
but where shall you look
At night the stars seem to hide it
Trying to find yourself
but where shall you search
at night your dreams seem to hide it
Trying to find Love
but where shall you look for
at night the dark seems to hide it

It's Saturday morning, must be around 10 a.m. or so. I'm sitting on the
balcony of my hotel room getting stoned and enjoying the sun. It's cold as it
always is in February, but the sunshine disguises the chill and it's all right.
It's so peaceful now. When I think of the show Tonight I see work. Equipment to
be carried around. trucks to be unloaded and a stage to set up. What ever
happened to all the glamour and excitement Rock and Roll shows used to stand
for. It's become a job. I've gotten used to it: Over saturated Poly Rock
Consumer. That's me. But I can still find moments when a smile sneaks onto my
face. When I can't help but laugh. That's when I feel alive, when I feel real.
Sometimes it gets hard to tell what I am. Am I just a figment of my imagination
or am I a product of days gone by?
Why do I do all of this? For someone else's glory and my satisfaction.?!
("BULLSHIT, BRO. Someone else's' glory, maybe. But lets face it, bro, you ain't
satisfied are you?") I guess that's true, but not for ever. Once I've found my
place in history you better beware. Once I know the course, it'll be full speed
ahead. Redline revving on the borderline of sanity. Good Morning.
It's Sunday the 16^th and I'm sitting in, well, guess? --Yeah, in a
coffeshop in Holland, stoned straight off the rocker. It's pleasantly lit in
dimmed red and orange lights on our side of the room and green and yellow on the
other wall. Very easy on the eyes. Billy Idol is playing at medium volume. My
brother and a business friend are sitting across the table from me, talking
deals. These dudes were talking K's, my man. That's nothing for me. Way too much
hassle and paranoia involved. That's contradictory to the concept of getting
stoned. Sorry fellas, no coolness-bonus there. And the thought of crossing the
border in a car packed with Kilos of weed and shit doesn't exactly help me relax
either.

Dearly intoxicated, we are gathered here today to join in joyful
matrimony these three elements:

Fire, paper and Weed !

Wake and bake there's a junkie on my couch

My brother's in my bed with
little miss Motor mouth.

Two girls in the kitchen making brunch


coz it's
way too late for breakfast


And none feels like lunch

It's Wednesday evening. I'm sitting in the Hardrock Café Heidelberg waiting
for someone. Friends of my brother to be exact. I'm bored and slightly buzzed.
It's Sunday now and much has happened. The show Friday night was OK but
boring. I came here Saturday morning 7 a.m. I slept till five. Danny came by. He
said he'd pick me up at 9. We went to some dudes house were we met 4 or 5 more
guys. One of them had to urgently stop off at a bar on the way to the gig and
came back out not five minutes later packing' acid up his ass. We dropped as
soon as we got to the show. Don't bother asking me who played, it didn't matter
anyway. After the show we went to the OUT. I saw Louise there. She looked great.
I couldn't handle seeing her with Michel though. I had to turn away. I would
have loved talking to her, but the very thought of him being around made me very
uneasy and slightly mad. I still don't understand why we broke up. Just one more
of the usual, I guess.
It's Thursday morning and I overslept. Now I'm in a train on my way to work.
I've got a dentist-appointment today. He's gonna finish off what he started on
Monday. I'm slightly stoned and I've just felt this years' first warm wind.
Sunshine and warm winds ! You know what that means, bro !
Summer's on its
way. Thank God. It was high time !!
I was just flipping back a few pages and I realized there was hardly a word
about Louise. That struck me as a bit odd, since she's been occupying my mind
quite a lot lately. I'd been going out with her since just before Xmas. Until
she decided she needed her freedom. The next thing I know, she's going out with
the drummer of the OVERDOSE KIDS, Michel. The latest news is she claims they've
got marriage plans. How's that for Freedom. But I've been fighting to get her
back and I won't quit until I succeed. I love the bitch, pal !
It's Monday and I've changed my Mind. Friday night I worked for the Overdose
Kids . Michel and I had a very long talk. ( We were locked in the back of the
truck going to the show. What else was there to do?) It's surprising what we
found out. Louise isn't quite what she seemed to be. Apparently she was messing
around with Michel while we were still together. And now for the best part, bro:
She told Michel that she'd never gone out with me. She claimed we were only good
friends. Well if that is the case, it was the first time a good friend fucked me
senseless.
I spent last night with Silke. She's a nurse that lives about 30 Km north of
Heidelberg. She called me yesterday evening an I drove there in a stolen car. (
My brother had stolen it, mind you) We watched a few videos, got drunk, stoned
and laid. ( I wasn't in the best of shape though due to a cold I caught Friday
night.) It felt OK nevertheless. It sure helped to get my mind off Louise, let
me tell ya. Sex is the best Therapy I know of. Should I feel guilty? I don't
think so. And I don't feel guilty.
I think it's Tuesday or Wednesday. The Overdose Kids played the OUT last
night. I did the Monitor sound. They were pretty good. They'll be playing with
D.A.D. next week. I'll probably work for them that day. Oh yeah, the Kids are
playing again tonight. ( Sound: Yours truly ) It ought to be fun, I think. I saw
Louise last night. Didn't have any time to talk, though. She didn't bother
coming over to my Mixing-desk to say hello either. I'm really pretty
disappointed in her. O.W.W.T.F. ( Oh Well, What The Fuck )
I talked two girls into picking me up after I drove the PA back to our
Company, but then I got a lift with my boss. When I told him about these chicks
that might be waiting, he just wanted to know if they needed to get laid. I
replied maybe, but then I realized that I'd already screwed both of them. ("
You're running out of unknown women, bro.")
I'm tired. It's Saturday morning and I'm on my way to Heddesheim. That's
where the PA-Company I work for has it's Office and Warehouse. At one the
Overdose Kids are picking me up. The gig is at the Casablanca in Endingen. I've
been there with ABIGAIL, twice with JAIL and now the KIDS.
It got late the
night before. It took me until about 8 p.m. to fix the PA in the Disco at
Schwimmbad Club. Then Armin, who is a DJ at the Schwimmbad Club on Wednesday,
and I went downtown to have a few drinks and score some dope. Downtown is dry. I
got into a big argument with my brother, but don't worry, I won't go into detail
because I've had enough of it. I'm fed up with people telling me what kind of
shit he's been pulling. Anyway we left downtown to go to the local Biker
Clubhouse. It's a place called the RAT HOLE. A good band was playing and I
copped me some prime black Afghan. Later we ended up downtown Mannheim at a Club
called the MILK. But I guess I was too drunk to remember anything specific going
on. I met a few people exchanged the usual howya-been's and what's-new's, but
nothing sensational.
That was about two weeks ago. It's Thursday and as usual I'm using public
transport to get to work. But not for long! With a little Luck my wheels should
be on the road tomorrow. HA! Finally the Moose mobile is waking from
Hibernation. Summer of 92 beware!


Well, it's April 30^th and my wheels are running. I went to Holland
over Easter and to Hamburg on Monday. She's burning Oil like a bitch, leaving a
smoke trail wherever she goes. When I park after a long ride she's got smoke
pouring out of her air-intake-ducts. She looks straight out of a Cheech and Chong movie. You've never seen anything like it, I swear.

I've been porking Silke lately and it's taken a lot of the pressure off, knowing you can get laid anytime, with no strings attached. But it sure as hell ain't Love. When I wake
up holding her gently, stroking her silky hair, I still feel empty deep inside.
It wasn't Love we made last night although I feel her next to me. I can touch
her, smell her, I can see a blackness that surrounds my heart. Somewhere we're
missing a tiny part.
It's a few days before my 24^th birthday, I don't have a place to
live, my Dad lies dying in the hospital and I'm coming down off speed. It's
Friday and I'm doing the most boring PA-job ever. A talk-only system in a
five-star hotel. BOOOORING! A herd of mindless lemmings proudly sacrificing
their lives to the gods of productivity.

---