Into The Blue

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Into the next millenium

Foreword

It's 2000. The age of countless science fiction stories is here.

I have every intention of reviving my diary. On the net!

Chris.

It's now Y2k! (actually its March 29.^th).

Once Again Ages have gone by since I Last wrote in this Diary. I Here I am,
almost 32 years old and flipping through these pages I wrote almost a decade
ago. Sometimes it amazes me how much happens and yet, how little changes.
Sure, on the outside everything changes, but underneath, where it really counts,
right down in the core, where the basic elements of beeing are defined, everything
stays much the same.


I'll try to fill you in on some of the major events of the last few years:

• My Dad died in 1992
• Lived in L.A. for a while
• I Lived with Anita and 13 cats in 93/94
• I worked for the broadway-show "The WHO's TOMMY" from 1995-96
• My Brother got married in 1996
• My Mom died in 1999

and I'm still single...

---

I'm Currently babysitting 2 computers and a few other gadgets at the "Internet
World Convention" in Berlin. It's my job to make sure all of this Hitech
shit keeps running and our customer stays happy. My equipment takes up most of the space back here - which wasn't too big
to start out with...

I'm actually not really doing anything at all, just sitting around, waiting
for something to go wrong or break. Until then I keep myself busy by doing
stuff like this page...

I almost have day 1 wrapped.....

One down, two to go!

---

Fell asleep real early last night. Got to the hotel, had a joint and passed
out watching tv shortly after. Then I woke up around 4.30 this morning. Took
my time getting ready and got to the convention early enough to be the first
one there. Lets see what today brings - there's gonna be a stand-party here
tonight...Hm...
It's about 13:20 now and I just came back from lunch. I couldn't take my
break any earlier due to some bigtime CEO being late. But let me take this
from the beginning:
I bring my Laptop to jobs, coz it's a good tool to Check projectors and such.
Usually I wind up doing some last minute grafics to put up on the screen.
I guess I'm just to frigging creative...

Anyway, todays pic of the day was a welcome Chart for this CEO. They wanted
it up when he came. So I build this animated ppt Chart using the Companys
CI-layout. Well, apparently they liked it. So I had to keep it up until they'd
finished his Photoshoot. Then I finally got to break  for lunch.

---

It was a boring day today, spend most of my time just spending my time. Had
a bit of email chat with Laura, one of the Girls working for Highmedia. I
could have met her tonight, but I don't feel much like dancing salsa. I guess
I'll get some food and go to bed.

---

I'm currently sitting in the lounge of the airport in Berlin, Gate 8 to be
exact, waiting for my plane to leave. I was wondering where all of the really
deep thoughts went, all the revelations and insights I used to have. I wonder
if the world has finally gotten me so used to it, that few things strike me
as odd anymore. It almost feels like I have seen it all before-
"You've been down that road, Neo, you know exactly where it leads.."
I must go someplace that really gets my mind going again - maybe Asia or
Africa. I haven't been on a real vacation in years anyway.

This is a non-smoking lounge and its driving me crazy!

---

Got home OK yesterday, even if I was totally wasted. I had a few joints and
got about 2 hours of sleep. Then I found out that I had to be in Hannover
the next Morning. So I pack my bags up again and get ready to leave. Shit,
not even a single night in my own bed. Oh well. I got a train at 05.45 and
its currently about 7am - I'm somewhere between Frankfurt and Hannover now.

---

Christmas in Goa

My first day of vacation. I landed in GOA about 10.30 am local time. It's
warm, very warm. The air carries a faint scent of salt water and the vegitation
is mixed. Green Palm trees gently swaying in the breeze and dryed up grass
and bushes struggleing for water. It took nearly for ever to get through customs
and retrieve my luggage. There were about 3 Powercuts at the airport while
we were standing in line. Then the long ride from the airport in a Suzuki
Mini-Van; they drive like maniacs here! (and on the left side of the road)
The most important part of a vehicle here seems to be the horn- should it
break- well, i guess you'd get killed by a bus passing another bus on a road
thats hardly wide enough for one vehicle. And thats not counting the family
of five on a scooter, several motorbikes and women in colourful robes carrying
Huge packages on their head.
Well we made it safely to our destination, a small township called Candolim.
Had a few drinks with Harry and Christine, the couple that lives here, and
got ourselfs a place to stay, in my case a small house with one room, a bed,
a sink (with no tap) and a toilet. But don't bother trying to find the toilet
paper- they don't use it here, they use water instead. (With the left hand-
the right is for eating)
After
I got my bags in here we went down to the beach, which is about 200 Meters
from my place!!! I was lying in the sun for a while just watching the ocean,
trying to get my head free. We played beachball and I got the urge to exercise
so I did a few push ups and situps. I guess nature reminded me of my own body
needing some attention. Maybe I can bring myself to go jogging on the beach.
It would be a good thing. But somehow I get a feeling I'll be to lazy on most
days...

After having dinner, Jetlag cought up with me. After all I'd been up for
2 days. I went to my place to get some sleep. First I realized there were
no sheets or blankets- I'll have to do something about that tomorrow- in the
meantime I used my jacket as a cover. Then I noticed the mosquitos. Apparently
they had noticed me by then- and aquired a taste for my blood. What can I
say, it was a long night. It's now 5.30 am and I'm awake again. Lets see what
today brings...

---

New Years! We were at a Party in a Hilltop Mansion in Saligao. Very
mediteranian architecture, complete with pool, palmtrees and marble floors.
I  couldn't help wondering where the playmates are....

Anyway, dinner was great, Fadela, the Lady of the house, had made specialties
from around the world. Very delicious stuff, I must say.

After dinner there
was plenty of smoking & coking as well as fireworks. I left the party around
3, I think...
Today
Peter, Suzi, Marvin and I  took a trip to Vagator Beach. But it was overrun
with drunk, Indian tourists, so we didn't stay very long. Just long enough
for a few beauty-shots of Palmtrees etc.







Oh yeah, I almost forgot. 2 Days ago I got myself a bike. It's an old ENFIELD
Bullet. It sounds kinda like a Harley (with one cylinder). They're a little
tricky in starting, but very sturdy. No plastic, no electronics - just the
basics. And they're cheap to rent! I'm paying about 200 Rupies a day. Thats
about 10 DM or 7 US$.

I've had a little problem with it today though. The carburator plugged up
- The fuel here can be very dirty - and I had to park the bike overnight a
take a taxi back. That was pretty cheap as well. 60Rs for the Trip back is
a fair price I would say. Let's see when I get the bike back. It's supposed
to be here tomorrow at 11 am. Let's see...

---

It's now about 11.28 am and I've spent most of the morning waiting for my
bike. I was sitting on the porch with Quincy, the owner of this place. We
had a few Smokes and My bike is supposed to be here between 11 and 11.30.
Two minutes left. But then again, Indians aren't known for their punctuality.

---

Well it took until 6 pm to get my bike back yesterday. And it was still not
fixed right. They even messed up the Sparkplug trying to fix it. So I had
to replace the spark plug myself and take the bike into a shop to have it
adjusted. After that it ran ok. Now I finally can go check out the countryside...

Here's
a few local Girls on the beach. Most of them sell Coconuts, Silver Jewelry
or Sarons.  Some of them give massages for a few hundred rupies. Quite
relaxing, actually; even if the sand on the beach , mixed with the coconut
oil, gives you a pealing while you're at it. The little boy on the right sells
Coconuts as well. He has a curved blade, almost as big as himself, that he
uses to skillfully open the nut. Since he can hardly carry more than one or
two nuts, his sister (or mother) carries the bag with the Coconuts. All of
these merchants are actually illegal on the beach, so if the cops show up
they move on down the beach. Or they pay a "fine" to the cop and
he'll leave them be. I've been told in some cases the cops even took all the
merchandise of a silver-merchant. Mind you, some of these people can become
quite obnoctious - they just wont take NO for an answer. They seem to think
you are obliged to give them some business...

---

Well,
I found the party spots...

Theres a sunset party every day at the Ninebar in small Vagator. It Starts
around 5.30 pm and lasts until about 10.00 pm. By then everybody knows where
tonights Goa-party will be. They usually start around midnight and last until,
well, between the next day and next week.

---

Schiffsbruch

Sechs Milliarden Menschen und
nicht einer davon Liebt mich!

Im Teufelskreis der Einsamkeit, verlassen in der Dunkelheit

ohne Kompass, ohne Karte allein auf hoher See,

Kein Leuchtturm zeigt den Weg, kein Lotse weisst mich ein.

Niemand hört mein SOS, denn ich bin allein.



Mein Hilferuf bleibt ungehört, die Wellen werden höher

mein Schiff treibt antriebslos, der Tank schon lange leer

Der Rumpf schlägt leck, Kälte strömt herrein

kein Mensch sieht mich erfrieren, denn ich bin allein.



Menschen, die sich Freunde schimpfen, helfen tun sie nicht

leere Worte ohne Taten haben kein Gewicht

Sie fühlen nicht mein Schmerz, sie hören mich nicht schrein'

Niemand kommt und sucht nach mir, denn ich bin allein.

Ok, so I don't have a Lover, but what about friends? Well I have a lot of
buddies, but the people I considered friends are far more rare. Actually Anita
whom I had thought to be a close friend, dissappointed me badly. I found out
from my Landlord that she is getting married this weekend!

I would have thought she'd tell me news like this personally, but I guess
that friendship wasn't what I thought it was.

For many years I was in Love with her. Now what really hurts isn't the fact
that she's getting married to this guy she's known only for about 6 months,
but that I had to find out this way.

I know why she's hitching though; she never could be alone for long, and these
last few years the fear of not finding a guy before she's to old had been
taking over. So there's her motivation!

Now don't get me wrong, I wish her all the best for her future, really I do!
But she's allways been together with Men for the wrong reasons. I can't help
to think this won't last!

At least this breach of friendship and trust allowed me to get her out of
my system - finally! For almost 8 years I've been trying to fall out of love-
Now I finally did it! I'm free!
Wish me luck, bro!

---

I feel so incredibly empty- it's like nothing really matters to me anymore.
I sit at home and cant get anything done- The thought of this void overpowers
any other thoughts. This appartement is my dungeon. Solitary confinement.

Before my Dog was killed, there was life in this place, it was a home. Now
that I'm alone again, there is nobody here to make me feel at home. Home is
not a location-it is a feeling. And I don't have that feeling. A matter of
fact, I can't feel anything except this emptyness.

I wonder what It'll take to turn my life around and to open my heart once
again. If I can't figure that one out I'm doomed.

I think I need to get my willpower together again and put my nose to the grindstone.
I need to become a maker instead of an analyzer. You see, there is tree kinds
of People:



1. The Followers - they just do what everybody else does.

2. The Analyzers - they watch and learn from other people's mistakes

3. The Makers - they just go out and make things happen



I've been part of the second group far to long now.

They say knowledge is power, but that isn't quite right:

---

I met her at a Party in Manheim. Actually my Friend Mark went there because
of her. I was just tagging along 'cause i wanted to get out a bit and socialize.
I wound up taking to this Blonde for a while during the course of a few joints.
It was a wiered thing. For a few moments, when our eyes met, we touched each
others souls. Our looks went so deep beyond our eyes into the very heart of
ourselves. There was something meaningful about this event, even if it was
only a few seconds, it felt like an eternity to us. We both knew we would
meet again...
And so we should. A few weeks later I was going to a company party in Ladenburg.
It was kind of a housewarming party for their new offices. I had a few drinks.
I'd brought the Jack Daniels a my contribution to the whole thing and ended
up drinking most of it anyway.

Again I was underway with Mark again. He was the designated driver and so
we drove. Drove to the next party. Sylvie, the girl I had an affair with the
summer before, had a birthdayparty in her appartment in Grosssachsen. It was
just a 5 minute drive and by the time we got there, we were pleasantly stoned.

About two hours into the party, Mark's cellphone rings. He tells me hes picking
up a chick at the trainstation and will be right back. Now I know Mark. He's
not the kind of person who will just forget about you and not come back. So
I told him to bring me some cigarettes on his way back and grinned at him.
He returned about fourty-five minutes later with her. And there was that
magic again. That strange thing that happened when our eyes met and locked
on to each other. Only this time it was much more intense and much longer.
It was like an unspoken thought that was transfering some kind of energy between
us. And this time it was evident. There was absolutely no way to deny it.
We were hooked.

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