Posts
Playing in a rock band starts out to be the most fun you
could possibly have. After a while you end up hating each
other with such a passion that you'd rather get on a
tour bus with Oprah or share the back seat of this beaten up
ford with a VD-infested junkie than sit next to these
arrogant, pizza-faced band members.
Nevertheless, Bands never dissolve, they split up. Ten
years later they regret splitting up and play together
again,which tends to be as exciting as three times reheated
scrambled eggs or dating that ex-girlfriend...
Playing in a rock band can be anything from romantic to
deadly boring. But most of all it means waiting.
Charlie Watts,the Rolling Stones' drummer, said once:
"I've been playing with the Stones for 30 years now, 28 of
which I spent waiting."
Drummers and Bass players wait the most. They're usually
dependable characters, that are content with staying in the
background and pulling the strings. Drummers and Bass
players wait for Guitarists and Singers.
The differences between Singers and Guitar players are
almost negligible: Both seem to have a few screws loose,
where Singers try to present their handicap to as big a
crowd as they can. Guitar Players only need their amp.
Drummers are, as mentioned, reliable guys that like to hang
out with musicians.
There are two kinds of rock drummers, The first category
obviously never took his Ritalin as a child, while the
other likes to drink large amounts of alcohol and eats the
animals who's skins he keeps hitting.
Even if bands like to joke about drummers, musicians know
that without a good drummer a band sounds like a bunch of
raging morons.
drummer plays in a band. That makes drummers sad. And since
the only method of anger-management they have learned is
hitting things with sticks, they hit bigger and bigger
things with bigger and bigger sticks and are drawn to
monster-sized bass drums and Cymbals the size of Chicago,
that will rupture your brain and cause blood to squirt out
of your ears at the slightest hit.
Drummers are the only band members that rarely or never
play air-guitar and seem to be pretty sensible in general.
Guitarists couldn't survive without their 6-string
phallus. Anyone that has ever watched guitar players in a
music store, trying out new instruments, will immediately be
reminded of a 4-year old who just discovered his penis and
is proudly showing it to anyone present. (Apparently with a
guitar this is still fun even if you are older than 4)
Guitar players aren't just egomaniacs with a
phallus-fixation, but they are also world champion tech
talkers. Nobody else can spend so much time talking about
essentially useless details of Guitars, amps and effects.
No one else would spend shitloads of money to buy a useless
luxury item just because it was built by a specific company
in a specific country in a specific year, with a specific
serial number. Guitar players do that sort of thing all the
time.
Now being endowed with such a massive penis-complex, Guitar
players always fear somebody else could have a bigger one.
That's why they're always buying new guitars and, more
important,bigger amps and speakers.
The common wet dream among them is playing a 7-neck guitar in front of a Chinese
secondary, Guitar players are fine by themselves, as long
as they have a guitar.
Guitar players are defined by these 4 so called
guitar-legends:
1. I can't hear myself!
2. I'll turn myself down.
3. I've practiced.
4. Next time I'll know the song.
Bass players frequently are former guitar players that
never returned after their first lesson. This is sufficient
to play in almost any rock band. Their lethargy is usually
mistaken for "laid-backness" and they overcompensate their
lack of talent with big and voluminous speakers. Over the
years, however they do acquire some skills and want to do
more than always play badly timed eighths on the E-
string.
Now they have two choices: Either they start playing Jazz
or they leave the band. Since bass players usually don't
have the energy to do this on their own, they end up buying
a bigger amp or a devise a 5 minute solo on an 8-string
bass.
Now lets talk about singers.
Singers are actually bass players that missed the bus to
the first guitar-lesson. They are lazy-ass egomaniacs that
think carrying a microphone is a lot of work. They suffer
from delusions of grandeur and sometimes,for no reason
whatsoever, manage to convince the audience of their
superiority. We call this charisma.
Charisma could be a crazy haircut, embarrassing
clothes,spitting at the crowd,shooting up heroin, the lead
role in a Snoop-Dog porno or something as harmless as
biting the heads off bats. - Things that would get anyone
else locked up in a closed ward.
Outsiders, or better yet, fans usually overestimate the
importance of the singer, because he stands in the front
row and appears to be commanding the stage with a wave of
his hand.
In reality there is a silent concord among the rest of the
band to make that fool in front look good. That's why
singers (with very few exceptions) without their band are
helpless children that, when faced with decisions like
choosing pizza toppings or picking a tv station, will have
a nervous breakdown, start crying and call for their
manager.
And then, when they're really depressed, they'll write
sobby, heartwrenching songs about how bad life is treating them. If that
doesn't help, they reach for a guitar - like everyone else
-except for drummers.
The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was
the founder of civilization.
Mankind must put an end to war, or war will
put an end to mankind.
Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others,
for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for
yourself. Face the truth.